I think we all have this urge to “fix it” instead of “feel it.” My best friend lost her daughter to cancer when she was 11, and three years later lost her dad to cancer. Going through that with her taught me these things:

1. There are no rules when grieving and hurting. There are no time limits and no right or wrong answers. It just is.

2. She never once wanted me to have answers or fix it or make her think positive. When we watched her daughter die she looked at me and said, “It doesn’t make any sense.” I didn’t tell her she was with God and she was ok, because my friend wanted her in her own arms, not God’s. So I just held her and cried with her and told her I loved her. That’s all she wanted.

I think “going there” to that deep place takes nothing more from you than being present in the moment. You don’t have to talk or give beautiful words. Give touch and eye contact and attention. It will be the best gift they ever receive. I think you have more to give than you even realize.

Thanks for this amazing post.

You are an amazing listener–one of the best–and you can write. Your heart is so tender.

Love you bunches,
Julie

I stood watch over my grandmother as she was passing away, I took care of whatever needs I could. I told her I loved her, but I never said goodbye. I went to see my Aunt Sandra as she was passing away. I said “I love you” but I didn’t tell her all she meant to me. I think she knew. I watched her husband and sat with him a bit, tried to encourage her daughters…that was how I loved in that situation.

You loved your mother by holding on to hope. That was your way, that was how you loved. I wouldn’t be surprised if she not only understood that, but found it endearing. You were being you, even if that means you were ceaselessly optimistic.

And it is good that you see that your husband needs to grieve. That optimism may not be what he needs. I remember throwing a couple of hissy fits in the first couple of weeks after my brother went to be with Jesus. Not my usual self. I think I scared my husband. But part of my life was ripped away. He held me and let me cry, and he didn’t get offended when I needed to cry alone. That was what I needed at the time.

I’m sorry this is so long. I need to go watch the video, and maybe I will understand more what you are saying. And I’m doing that thing you’re talking about, aren’t I? Trying to make you feel better instead of being a good listener.