In the past couple of years several things I thought I knew for sure have been majorly challenged. I understand if you disagree with me…this is just my perspective. Plain and simple, just something I thought I knew for sure.
I’ve told you guys how much I love Don Miller’s new book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I love it because it makes me think. On several occasions he wraps words around things that The Husband and I have been experiencing over the past few years. But this one thing, I’ve never mentioned to anyone. Not even The Husband. I was nearly flung from the treadmill when listening to the book on my iPod and I heard this…
“Growing up in church, we were taught that Jesus was the answer to all our problems. We were taught that there was a circle-shaped hole in our heart and that we had tried to fill it with the square pegs of sex, drugs and rock and roll; but only the circle peg of Jesus could fill our hole.I became a Christian based in part on that promise, but the hold never really went away.”
Well that’s exactly what I was taught! And for me, “the God shaped hole” was plenty enough reason to run to the alter. But here’s the thing I’ve never said…I still have that “hole”. There was a little bit of time in my twenty’s when I thought I still had the empty place because I wasn’t really “saved”. I’d feel a longing. A discontent. There was sometimes a compulsion to meet a need that I didn’t even understand. So in my quiet time with God, I’d say the sinner’s prayer again and again. And hope eventually it would work.
Then in my thirty’s I’d get tired of “trying” and decide to meet my own needs since God didn’t seem to be interested in meeting them. I’d follow my heart so to speak. Those are things I look back on that literally break my heart. Other times I hit my knees and promised God I’d work harder at being a “good Christian” and then wear myself to a nub trying to keep up with my Religious to-do list. No matter what I did though, the” hole” sadly enough was still there…there’s got to be something more haunted me. No good Christian thinks like this. So the cycle of shame and condemnation kept me spinning.
But in the past two years something has been brewing in me, and I’ve given up the dream that the hole inside will be filled and satisfied. I just don’t think it will.
Not in this life.
Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying, there’s hope in Jesus. Hope for the right now.I love Him. I’d be dead without Him. And that’s the truth. But this life is not going to be “complete”. Some of us may die before fulfilling what we believe to be our ultimate purpose. There will be tons of things we won’t understand. Some of them horrible and painful. People try to throw explanations at horrible things but in the end I find them empty. It gives me peace to know…life won’t “add up”. ..until heaven. I find security in believing there’s more than the life we’re living right now.
When my mom left this world there were so many thoughts. One that continually slapped me in the face was that I knew there were things she so wanted to do that she didn’t get to do. If anyone deserved to live out their dreams or their calling it was my mom. But, here’s that “brewing” I told you about, I have come to firmly believe that she’s not done. Her calling, her purpose, is being lived out now. She’s continuing in her purpose… on the other side of eternity.
What if I had believed this when I was younger? What difference would it have made for me? Huge. Epic difference. I would have focused less on me for one. I might have recognized the longing in my heart as being an eternal thing not a here and now thing. At least some of my choices would have been different.
For heaven’s sake, how many mid-life crisis could be avoided if everyone believed that when we hit 50,60,70,80 we’re not done. Instead we’re gaining momentum for what’s coming. For the continuation of our life. For what’s beyond this life.
Don Miller says it better. He makes sense. And his words gave me the courage to share this. I know some of you won’t like it. For some maybe your “God shaped hole” is full up. I am so happy for you. I can only tell you my experience and where I am today. My hope is, if someone is working themselves silly trying to “do” the right things or feeling compelled to fill that hole on their own, that they will just take a moment to consider that there’s something beyond today, beyond this side of eternity.
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
Robin: I can heart you on this post. I know there are those who say that we can reach perfection here on earth. I reject that vehemently. Paul said, “I press on.” If i was to hold someone up as the model it would be Paul and yet he found his life incomplete (read 2 Cor.12). I too spent way too much time trying to please God by being good or by doing certain things. I had God tucked away in a neat little box and He was brought out on special occasions (although I wanted people to think He ruled my life). I bring this up again for a reason: that was when I read Wisdom Hunter and had my eyes opened wide. My little God-in-a-box would not work. I realized I could not depend on my righteousness. I also realized that my desire to be like Jesus was going to be a lifelong pursuit, never-ending, never being fully realized (until I breathed my last breath). While I do believe that there is a God-shaped vacuum in each of us that only God can fill, I also believe it will be a lifelong pursuit. Good post m’ lady.
Bill (cycleguy)´s last blog ..A Little Bit of Love
Blown away. Totally agree and feel kind of set free. I have tears in my eyes. Relieved, peaceful, and already feel much less of a failure. Thank you my courageous friend.
~~” It gives me peace to know…life won’t “add up”. ..until heaven. “~~
My favorite line. I needed to read this. I almost feel this entire post was written for me. I have tears in my eyes. As I’ve said before you have a gift.
Thank you.
This is one of your AHA posts that I love. Thank you. Teary eyed. Bill, I read Wisdom Hunter too. Loved it.
Thank you, friend Robin. This reader satisfaction is an A+.
WoW! Thank you for speaking your heart! Your posts touch “familiar places in my heart”, places that have caused unrest, questionings-am I all alone feeling this way, is something deeply wrong with me, I shouldn’t feel this way, worthlessnes, why does no one else?? I’m going thru a journey, trial? right now questioning “religion” and truth & also religious people I am in contact with that know?? they have the answers to practically every problem, illness etc. and even the correct way to worship God and I’m sooooooo tired! You do have a great gift (or we are both crazy:-)!). You have put words to my hearts yearnings & reasonings and I feel this will be a turning point in my life. Please…. keep sharing. For the lst time I see the reason I ‘threw all to the wind” in my early 20’s and did things that I’m ashamed of today, not that it justifies it but that I did fall into the trap of the enemy and that and I need to accept Christ’s forgiveness for it because I really hadn’t before. Bless You!
Thanks Robin, isn’t hope great? They even say it is eternal. As an alchoholic, I have found that God had a way of knocking those square edges off to make that peg fit. Every little edge that I hung on to was eventually knocked off and taken from me. This hope changes shape daily for me and even moment to moment. One moment it fits and the other it must be in search of a whole other game. But today (who knows the next moment) I have found that God and the Holy Spirit is just that a “spirit” that can fill any shape…Like the old illustration where you put in the large rocks, then the sand, then the water and we are amazed how so many more things can fit where we thought they were filled. I once filled my life with the Jesus of my understanding. Lip service, looking good…but God finally showed me that I loved MYSELF more than I loved Him or anyone else…that is who I was. Today, at this moment I find hope that He can fill us today. He has done this for me in moments when I allow his spirit to fill my little places. I can’t fill them but I keep trying. But on my knees when I finally gave up on myself, I did find hope in Him and I find I still find Him there today… I LOVE your heart and your honesty…I just know He LOVES it too…we can enjoy the hope!!
Wow – thanks for having the courage to live life out loud for a moment. Your words ring so true and you are right, if we could have only realized that complete and total peace with everything around is something that we probably won’t experience this side of Heaven earlier, our path might have been a little smoother and less stressful. I do believe though, having lived through some moments that I think might be similiar to yours, that until you have walked that journey path, you simply can’t understand or grasp those precious truths. You have to be completely humbled and forced to admit that you simply can’t “fix it” and for fixers like me, that is an incredibly tough moment. Only then, do you begin to understand the freedom it brings……..
Again, I am so grateful that your blog came across my path, and your heart continues to speak to mine.
Thank you for writing this. I have been struggling with this for more years than I care to admit. I wish I could say that my walk with God has been so pure that others are drawn to me. Not so. I struggle to not lose my patience or my tongue. I have prayed my knees off to change and be different, better, nicer, etc. Not an amazing change in me I am sad to say. I most definitely will buy the book.
Thank you for bravely sharing what you are thinking…
I wish you blessings on your journey!
aimee´s last blog ..And she danced!
You have it too? That longing, that vacuum…filled but not full. Not complete. Forever I thought it was insecurity, then lack of faith, then more recently lack of direction. And I return again and again thinking it is that necessary haunting that reminds me that this world is not my home. I’ll have to find Miller’s book. Thanks for the sharing of your precious heart…it touched mine deeply.
C.S. Lewis summed up your sentiments pretty well when he said, “If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.”
I think every follower of Jesus has a hole that will never be filled by anything in this world; it will only be filled when we see Him. And THAT’S God’s ultimate purpose.
I mean, if we’re completely satisfied/perfected in this life, heaven would be kind of a let-down, right?
This post really touched me. I think part of being able to feel completed is recognizing that because we are God’s children and because we are separated from him in this earth life we may sometimes feel a hole in our heart. I know it sounds a little backwards, but it’s true. It’s the same concept as without knowing the bad we wouldn’t be able to know the good. You might think its contradictory, at first but when you think about it, it makes sense. It’s how God created this life. I think when you recognize that you have a God shaped hole and you actively seek after Godly things you can begin to fill it, but this process is not just part of our earthy plan, but our eternal plan.
For me I’ve found a religion I know to be full. It without a doubt carries me through life. Many people consider my faith to come with a lot of “rules” but I’ve been able to gain a personal knowledge of the principles my church stands on through seeking to know more. And while I have daily questions and sometimes confusion I know this is because I am on a path of progression, this is why we came to earth. Even though there are sometimes I’m still working to understand I have such trust in the parts I do understand. It’s so important to be able to ask questions and learn for yourself.
I also know that my progression certainly does not end when this life is over. Not at all. I’ve come to earth to get the tools (knowledge and experience) to continue my progression in heaven. I’m quite positive your mother is doing the same. Maybe we are given this God shaped hole for a reason. So that we are always striving to improve, that we may become more God- like ourselves. Maybe without this God shaped hole we could not grow, learn, or progress. We would feel stagnant. I believe we have that God shaped hole for a reason because I know God has a plan for me. (And for everyone else) I’m constantly reminded by the blessings in my life to not let that God shaped hole make me feel discouraged, but empowered for I have the capabilities to live with God again!
Thank you for having the courage to share your insight, for it’s not always an easy thing to do. I think God’s work on earth is done by his servants here. Little did you know you were serving God by sharing your spirit with us!
Another excellent post, Robin. I believe that the “hole” has a purpose. It creates a longing for God. He wants us to long for and seek Him every day. Without the hole, we might be so content that we have no need to think about Him, learn about Him and anticipate the day when everything will be perfect in heaven.
Bless you, my friend, and thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
Jean Fischer´s last blog ..Letting Go: When a Parent Dies
Mother of mercy girl, you blow me away! YOur honestly and courage are STUNNING! God is speaking through you, I truly believe that. I have been on a VERY bumpy, rocky, path with my faith. It would take me all day to go through it but in the past few years since I found Al-Anon SOME of my faith has been restored. And because I SEE it working, when I put things in God’s hands, it works out. For me, so far. I will write more later but THANK YOU for your inspiration and HOPE!!!!! XOXO, Pinky
I am really glad you shared this Robin! If I too, only knew this when I was younger, I would not of done some things I have regretted doing for a long time.
After reading your post, I am so relieved to know, that this “non-satisfaction” I suffered with for so many of my younger years, is just God’s way of preparing us for eternity.
It seemed to me to be like a “curse” but now that I see the big picture, it is definitely a blessing! Who would even think about heaven if we had all our needs and wants satisfied here?
Thank you so much, Robin! :0)
Eileen´s last blog ..Five Facts About Groundhog Day
Robin, thank you for sharing yourself like this. I’m really at a loss for words. I thought I was so “different” and felt very alone and this is not something I’ve been able to share with anyone either. But your post and the responses from others have opened my eyes and I am sitting here relieved and wanting to cry sweet tears of joy. This was the perfect post that touched that “dark” place for me. God bless you!
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate what you wrote!! It seems like you wrote those words for me. I am a newbie Christian, and have been trying to fill my hole up for the last 5 years. I agree with Ruthie, I feel set free!! Thank you!
Julie: Awesome book! I think everyone ought to read it.
Bill (cycleguy)´s last blog ..A Little Bit of Love
I totally agree with you, Robin… and I don’t think that hole SHOULD be full here on Earth. If it was, if we had everything figured out and every doubt banished, we wouldn’t really need Him, would we? We think of that hole as a stagnant thing that should be filled and stay that way. The truth is, life digs little holes in us all the time. Empty places that form from different struggles… and we seek the Lord and He fills. But life continues and new holes form. That’s why He’s not a fix but a constant Savior. To me, the moment we stop needing Him to fill us is the moment we are completely empty and fooling ourselves.
gitz´s last blog ..LOST has been found
I could not agree with this post more, Robin! I think God intends to help us through this journey on Earth in the best possible ways. But, yes, the ultimate peace, the ultimate feelings of wholeness are what will find with Him in Heaven. Well said, Robin! xo
Dear Robin. I’m so sorry I missed your post yesterday but have been sick. I commend you for speaking this. No-one likes to admit that they believe and love God yet still have a whole that is not filled. I believe this is a common feeling. I struggle with not feeling worthy daily. I feel like something must be wrong with me, why am I not complete. Thank you for explaining it the way you have. I know he will continue to work with me all the days of my life. I know he is a loving God but I also know he wants me to step up and out (with his guidance of course) and grow and learn and not wait for IT (happiness, job, money, what-ever IT may be, to drop in my lap.
God bless you Robin. Warm loving hugs….Tracy
Tracy @ Cotton Pickin’ Cute´s last blog ..2 Valentine Giveaways – Guys Never Get It Right But Girls Always Do
Tracy…hugs.
Ok sister, you did it to me this time. For the past couple of days all I have been about to think about is this hole. My perspective has changed so many times I am dizzy and I am having a hard time verbalizing my current perspective. I am so thankful for my hole. Is it a hole to be filled once and for all or is it the pathway? Is it a hunger that should ever be fulfilled once and for all? With no hunger would I ever need any of your delicious recipes. Did I eat only once to be filled to never eat again? My perceptions of God have been proven wrong to me in soooo many ways. I praise God for this “hole” as that is where I find him. Have I tried to fill it with almost everything the world has to offer that really did lead to an emptiness of unfulfilled and broken promises? Yes. The “hole” draws me to Him daily and I seek His Spirit to fill it. And, Praise God I can fill it again and again with many things He as to offer. All I know is that I can not fathom the mind of the Almighty God and my perspective and my understanding can not ever provide a speck of His understanding and purposes. But I find great Joy and excitement to know that He does and will flow through me and draw me to Him at all times forever. Both now and in eternity. Our minds and the legalism of man has sometimes given us the perspective(and guilt trip) that some how a simple prayer is all we need and we are complete. I have felt that guilt and i too have said that sinner’s prayer a million times because I didn’t think it took… That is only the beginning of the relationship. The relationship blooms daily through this open door to my soul that thank God is not a hole at all but an open corridor where the Holy Spirit He has placed in me communes daily. This is not a disappointment but a blessing… When I finally looked to Him daily to keep me from filling that hole daily with the frightenly wicked things of my nature (even today), He does fill it but some times I throw things in the way to block the flow but He is streaming live at all times.There I am done with it and hope I can move on to something else today, ha! May we be filled today, tomorrow and in all eternity. Thank you for your heart and for making us search our hearts..Have a great day!
One more thing…I noticed that when I was looking to Him and praising Him this morning that I couldn’t feel or even sense a hole. When I look to me I sense a hole but when I look to Him I can’t fathom a whole…weird…really done with this, I hope….
ROBIN, this hits home and I so enjoy reading your blogs. You are so wise beyond your years. I believe this is the best keep up the writings.
ROBIN, this hits home and I so enjoy reading your blogs. You are so wise beyond your years. I believe this is the best keep up the writings.
Thank you for sharing from your heart! It almost makes me feel normal to know that others have the same thoughts I do.
God Bless,
Lisa
LISA´s last blog ..~The road less traveled~
Hey Robin –
I just found this post. Donald Miller says so well what so many of us feel and don’t know how to say. And so do you.
I went to Chattanooga for the Million Miles tour in November. We should have gone together!
Be well!
Celesta
Celesta´s last blog ..The Care and Feeding of a Fanatic
Wow –what I just read was like one of those “awakening” moments. You expressed exactly what I have been feeling for quite some time now and now it makes more sense. Thank you for sharing this with us. I am going to re-read this post and do some more pondering and praying!! And now I want to read this book too,
Sara L.´s last blog ..Project 52-5
Sara L…I’m so glad it resonated a bit with you. Hugs
Hmmm… Never thought if it like that. I think God fills the hole He is supposed to fill, but certainly we are left wanting for more…b/c yes there is more but not here. Not in this place. I guess I haven’t looked at that restlessness, that striving for complete peace as not being filled up though. More as my need to rest in Him that He is enough and will be enough. My problem is striving…always the need to be better, do more, experience everything…need to find the balance. Want to enjoy Him where I am at rest, yet filled up to brimming so I can pour out what He offers and at peace with the fact that in this world I will experience yuck and icky feelings and painful emotions. We don’t escape that just b/c He fills the hole. Need to read the book. Just got his new small group series called Convergence. It looks good. Thanks for your honesty and challenging thoughts. Love you friend:) xx00