This post has been hard to write. My ‘One Little Word‘ for the year was Friendship (wrote about that HERE) and I’ve been trying to revisit the subject every month or so, but my thoughts for this post are a work in progress.
But I’m going to try…
Friendships are not static. They change. They ebb and flow. Friendships are after all between people and people change.
People who have loads of things in common in their twenties sometimes grow in different directions as they get older. Different interests. Different passions. They become very different people.
And that’s okay.
The history between them is still rich and real. The love is there. But the commonality that fueled their day to day relationship is gone.
Since I don’t a have a bazillion friends, I kinda looked at my close friendships like forever-friendships. No matter what we’ll always be BFF. Things will never change.
I’ve found this year that isn’t true.
I knew when I started my journey with this one little word, there would be surprises.
And around every turn this glorious year…I have been surprised.
Surprises aren’t always delightful, can I get an amen?
As you can see I’m still processing…I’m fairly certain this will be continued.
Any thoughts ?
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Isn’t it funny how you spend years working with someone every day and think you will always be best friends and remain close? THEN…….you stop working together and drift apart. Friendships require constant attention, like caring for a plant, they must be watered and nourished often or they wither.
I called a friend last night and had to leave a message. We worked together for eight years and became best friends. I will try again today to reach her so we can recall sweet memories of another chapter in our lives. Keep your friends close because time has a way of stealing them away.
Brenda…so true!
I agree with you about the dance called friendship. Surprises aren’t always delightful, and its hard for me to see friendships drift apart , for whatever reason.
Joanne, I like that: “the dance called friendship”…and yes it is very hard but sometimes necessary. xo
I know one thing…maintaining friendships is totally worth it! I don’t know if I would have been able to get through my hardest times in life without them…they help me see the humor in life and laugh at myself…I have to remind myself one thing…appreciate people for what they are able to give to the friendship not what you want them to give to the friendship…that has always helped me when I am feeling disappointment with people…
.-= Jennifer Clause´s last blog ..NO DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS FOR THREE WEEKS…WOW! =-.
Jennifer…you would know sister! I can tell you have a wonderful support system.
Sometimes though, letting go (at least for me) is just necessary. Maybe I sounded a bit “disappointed” in someone, that’s not it at all. I’m more fascinated with all that God’s teaching me about myself and a subject that I know so very little about…
love to you Sweetie…
If you’re ever in a jam, here I am.
If you’re ever in a mess, S.O.S.
If you’re ever down a well ring my bell.
If you’re ever up a tree, just phone to me. (way before cell phones):)
It’s friendship, friendship, just a perfect blendship,
When other friendships are soon forgot, ours will still be hot!
Da da da da da da dig dig dig ~ Cole Porter
Fun lyrics…however, if you are fortunate enough to have one “true friend”
much less 2 or 3, consider yourself blessed beyond all imagination, beyond
all measure ~
I think part of what we are talking about is…. maturing. ( What a gross word)
I know that picture….So beautiful……miss you …
miss you too Sharon…and you were with me when I took that picture…love u
I think the word I would use to describe friendship is “evolve.” Friendships evolve over time. Some evolve right out the door. Some to a deeper one. I have one college friend that I still try to meet with when our schedules will allow it. over 37 years! But there are others who have disappeared off the grid. Some by lack of communication. Some by attrition. Some by lack of commonality. Some by running in different circles. I have many acquaintances; few close friends. But the ones I do have I cherish. Praying for you as you continue sorting through this.
I have struggled with this question of dissolving friendships over the years. When we moved back after being in New England 5 years, there were several families we were close to before that I thought it would be the same when we returned. It wasn’t. I concluded that it was a stage of life thing. Because of our kids being involved in different activities we were now running in different circles. And even now I am grieved over a friendship that was close recently now fading. Yes, friendships change, but the my heart is always warm when I remember the good times we’ve shared.
Jane, I treasure our friendship…I’m sorry your grieving right now…
love to you
Yes, friendships do change over time. I’ve found that, at times, I’ve had to ride out the waves with some of my oldest friendships. We grow and change but we always seem to find each other again. My recent illness also brought me back to work friendships that I thought had ended years ago. I was thrilled to get calls and cards from old friends, and after I’m healed from surgery, I plan to schedule some reunions.
.-= jean Fischer´s last blog ..Cancer: It Can’t Happen to Me =-.
Hey Girlie,
I know there is pain in those few words – if even acceptance. I’m dealing with the same thing. I think my friendships have changed as life has become more complicated. I know I have kept friendship with those who I can be totally naked with and safe and at the same time will tell me where they are concerned I am wrong. I’m sad about some losses that I am pretty positive are because of not being willing to move forward on my part. I lost the connection. I could restart it – but I don’t know if I want to. My friend and I have changed – I can’t say if one of us has changed for the worse – truly I don’t know. I just know we have changed. I think I may have become more fragile in my inner circle boundaries. I also know that without the friendship of these people, I wouldn’t make it through life – I wouldn’t have made it through life. So I am thankful for all the friends God has given me over the years – and I try to keep the door open to new ones. Not replacement ones – but new ones that God would put in my life to teach me and to encourage me and hopefully ones I can be a blessing to also. Who would have thought 10 years ago – 5 years ago – that one of the daily sources of encouragement to me would be your blog? Did you have a blog 5 years ago? God works in seasons. Many things that look dead in the winter – really aren’t – thank God for lantana – my garden mainstay that looks like sticks and weeds during the winter. . So perhaps some of the deep friendships we have had will resurface at other times in our lives. Only time will tell.
Debi…woman you are so wise. I love you.
They do resurface… sometimes after 25 years…
After two years of intense and rewarding friendship in the first two years of high school with 4 other girls, drama ensued over a boy… the one a friend had a long term crush on… who asked me out. I did what I felt was proper and declined, but the fall out was still swift and severe. I was dumbfounded. I lost my peer group, my locker buddies, my confidants… and confidence. I also realize after all these years, the “event” was not truly our undoing, it was just the perfect reason to use to end the friendship which was deteriorating for reasons that are still a mystery.
Flash forward to this last October… I round the corner at a restaurant and there are all 4 girls… they called to me and were excited to see me. They hugged me, talked with me, and looked me in the eyes with sincerity. We’ve changed, grown, and moved on… but the seeds of that friendship are still there. They are still reaching out to me… I admit to being conflicted about the whole thing… but the timing of this and the sheer coincidence leaves me thinking it was meant to be…
Saying a prayer for your hurting heart as you travel this uncertain road … so honored to call you friend… love you…
.-= Vicky´s last blog ..Hockey Day Minnesota =-.
All thru school I had two best friends. We called ourselves the Three Musketeers cause we all had similar backgrounds with our own endurance of abuses in our homelife. We did everything together. When I became a military wife, I learned to make close friends quickly with those around me. We were the only “family” each other had. I cherish the memories of all those friendships, even though I haven’t heard from or seen most of them in many years. It was the relationships God gave us to get thru those times in life. Most are never meant to be forever, just a helpful and loving passage to the next stage. I find it harder to maintain friendships as I’ve gotten older. Not because I don’t want friends or care about others. I’ve just let myself be consumed by my family.As my children became adults, still having their stages and problems to deal with, there just wasn’t a lot of time to nuture friendships. And now I spend a great amount of time with my grandchildren. This is important to me because I know how very much my grandmother meant to me. She was my refuge in the storms of bad homelife. I do make time every few weeks to go on lunch dates with friends and drop a card or email to them every so often. It’s just not the day to day contact that I so needed and cherished as a young mother. My goal each day is to smile at everyone I see and hope that in some small way, I can lighten their load. Friendship is priceless and that’s why God sends just the “right friend” when you need them or they need you. Didn’t mean to ramble on. Hope you all have a very blessed day!
i agree wholeheartedly about friendships you thought would be for life being only for a season. in some cases, the friendship dissolves. that’s hard, confusing, frustrating, sad, painful, awful. i think that’s because, most often times, it’s happening against your will. either circumstances conspire against the relationship being maintained, or someone makes a conscious choice to move on. UGH.
but i have a friend i’ve known since 4th grade. we were BFFs all through high school and college and she was my maid of honor in my wedding. then she moved to china and has lived overseas for all her adult life. we have written letters, emailed, racked up int’l long-distance phone bills, discovered skype, and seen each other in person a handful of times in the past 20 years. our communication isn’t what it used to be. sometimes i wonder how close we really are anymore.
but as soon as one of us reaches out to the other, everything is as it was. the intimacy that comes with that many years of history with someone is priceless, and i know neither of us take it for granted. we’ve just accepted that this is how our friendship is. she’s moving stateside for a long stint next year; i’m curious what it will do for us.
ALL this to say (thanks for bearing with me), some relationships are sustainable and others aren’t. pain is part of the deal, just like change is.
keep walking courageously forward on this journey, even it is only very small steps at a time. the self-discovery can only enhance your present and future relationships.
you’re a keeper, woman!
Jenn…love this story of a long friendship…I’m curious too by the way.
Oh, and right back at cha…your a keeper too
xo
New to your blog and enjoy it very much.
My dilemma with frienships is once I got married to my military husband we moved 12 times in 30 years. Friendships were always so very special to me and I would try and try to keep things going with friends back home. This was during the times of snail mail only and phone calls.(I guess I’m giving away my age here…) Some were very good in keeping this up but others I guess just grew tired of it and we lost touch with time.
I made new friends along the way, but the ones I treasured most were the ones I knew from high school. After 30 years of moving around, we decided to move back to my home town. In my mind, I wanted to feel like I came home and things would fall into place….what a dreamer I am. What I found are people I don’t know anymore. Since my life was so very different than theirs we just don’t have much in common any more. It has been a year and I am still finding this so difficult to accept. I guess like Jane I will have to remember the good times spent together.
Jeannette
I guess this is just a fact of life. I talked to my oldest friend today. We met in seventh grade, were roommates in college, and in each other’s weddings. We don’t live near each other now and talk only several times a year—but when we do it’s as if we never missed a beat—that’s how you know it’s the real thing. Quality of time, not quantity. I also think that real friendship, like a good marriage, takes a lot of work and effort. I’m sorry you have had to see the end of a friendship, but it served God’s purpose at a certain time in your life.
.-= susan´s last blog ..Blindsided by The Blindside….A Metamorphosis? =-.
oh robin… you always speak to me….
i know one thing for sure… this past year.. i learnt a lot about friendships…
‘sigh’……
xxo, kim
.-= kim klassen´s last blog ..one for you and you and you… =-.
I really hate it when things change especially relationships. Sometimes God removes people from our lives when we were putting them ahead of Him. Other times, He needs to use you or the other person in someone else’s lives. My favorite kind of friends are the ones that no matter how long it has been since you saw/spoke to them, you immediately catch right back up just like you had never been apart. Those of the kind of friends that are priceless.
All of these comments have touched me and opened a tiny window into what is for me almost a foreign subject…
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your journeys with me. I truly needed to hear each and every one.
I came away with … seasons. Life is full of them. And perhaps this season won’t last forever…
love to each of you…
Amen.
I’m a person who holds onto people for life, even when they don’t hold onto me. So if they disappear for five years and show up again, I’ll still welcome them in. But in the past few years, for the first time in my life, I’ve had to ask three different people to stay out of my life. It needed to be done, but so went against my nature.
It hurts my heart, but my life is so the better for it. And, just so you know, I’m never letting go of you. Ever.
.-= gitz´s last blog ..Your Kick In The Pants =-.
Robin, we just got home from vacation. Let me explain…this TOTALLY realates to friendship! We have gone for 3 years now on vacation with our best friends, their 4 children and spouses and 12 grandchildren. There are about 22 of us in a house in OBX and we have a ball! It is wonderful. They, at first, thought we were crazy to WANT to be a part of this but we wouldn’t miss it for the world. In fact they toasted us and “friendship” one night this year. They are FOREVER, to the grave, friends. Can’t imagine life without them all. XO, Pinky