How do I start this?
I’ve not written a heart post since December. Because…well, 2016 has already been full.
Full of intense moments.
Since moment is my one-word for the year, I shouldn’t be surprised.
But I am surprised at the lesson I’m learning about my one-word.
First our daughter Emma and 5 year old granddaughter Lucy Jean have moved back into our downstairs apartment. She’s leaving behind a horrible relationship (and horrible is the kindest word I can use here).
She’s making a new start and Mike and I are honored to be able to help in the healing process.
This situation has been full of moments of anger that flirted with hate as I looked back and understood what was happening. There have been overwhelming sad moments of wishing I’d seen past my anger with Emma’s choices to the pain she was going through.
And moments of letting go and forgiveness as I choose to stay in the current moment.
Right in the middle of this, all the girls in the family got to go to Disney. God’s timing I think…
Have you guys been to Disney?
It’s a perfect little world tucked away from reality.
Moments here were full too…full laughter and respite…as long as I stayed in the moment I was standing in, there was grace.Looking back or looking forward upended me. But standing firm in my current moment-well, that’s where the grace was…
But the grace was tested and nearly forgotten when we got back from Disney. The day after our return, we lost our pup Ollie. I can hardly talk about this, but I’ll say we knew he was declining and it wasn’t entirely unexpected.
More full moments…full of grief and missing our boy.
And after struggling with pain in my abdomen for months, I had some tests run at the end of January.
Again, as long as I stayed in the present moment and didn’t borrow worry from the future I walked in grace.
(the tests came back mostly good, just small issues)
And that brings me to this past Monday.
I started the day making over our guest room. Slapping paint colors all over the walls, moving furniture out, filling holes…then at the end of the day, I took a shower and was getting ready for Mike to come home and stepped on a little ottoman in my closet, reaching for a too-high shelf…
The ottoman tipped on it’s side and I came down, ribs first, on the edge.
Long story short…I hate to go to the doctor. Hate it. And already 2016 had me going to doctors and having more tests than I want to have in 5 years…but honestly, no kidding, I thought I was dying.
So off we went to our local ER.
We spent hours in the ER with me having excruciating muscle spasms every time I moved. Turns out the CT scan showed I simply bruised my ribs and the chest muscles and they sent me on my not-so-merry way.
I haven’t been able to lie down since then. And I so want to lie down and sleep deep…
With the exception of natural child birth, this has been the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced.
It’s only bruised ribs and muscle spasms. It will pass. But I was supposed to keep 2 granddaughters this week-
And go stay with this dream boat and his big sis all week next week…
Honestly guys, I’m fighting discouragement.
Fighting the feeling of being overwhelmed. And it hurts to cry…so I haven’t been able to have a really cleansing cry.
But I hear it loud and clear this morning…
“Stay right here in this moment. That’s where your grace is. Don’t look back. Don’t look forward. The grace you need is right here. Right now. In this moment.”
So here I am sweet friends. Right here in this moment. Still breathing shallow, nevertheless I’m breathing in grace.
How’s your 2016 so far? xo