This is the latest post in this little detour from the Living my Legacy Series that I’m calling Aging Gracefully. I’m linking to Metamorphosis Monday at Between Naps on the Porch since aging gracefully is the ultimate metamorphosis! (Loads of before and afters over there today~visti Susan!)
“She’s getting small” I told Mike about my mom. It was shortly after my little brother David left this world that I noticed the difference in Mom. All my life she was a fierce presence. Nobody messed with her kids…or else. When David was diagnosed with Ewing’s Sarcoma, she spent ten years being fierce with his treatment options. Fierce with nurses and doctors. Fierce with the enemy in prayer. But now, not so much. She was getting small. A little quieter. A bit mellower. She let things pass that would normally bring out her spunky side. It bothered me.
I uttered the same exact words about my Gramma years before. Gramma was also a “presence”. She commanded respect in a Southern lady-like kind of way. As a child I remember trying to pay for something at Rich’s department store. The sales-lady dismissed me with a rude comment. I was embarrassed and close to tears, when Gramma stepped up behind me. I don’t remember exactly what she said to the sales-lady but right then and there with her hand on my shoulder she crisply made things right and I was offered an apology. As she got older though her big personality shrank a little. One day I watched her from across a room full of noisy family and thought, “look at her, she’s so small sitting there in the corner, not like herself at all.
I’ve been saddened by this smallness in these two powerful women in my life until recently. Something has shifted in me. I didn’t see it coming but just a little, I’m becoming smaller too.
A few days ago after a social situation, I woke up feeling angst. Anger roiled around my gut before I even opened my eyes. What’s going on? Why am I so darn mad?
Scenes from the past few days played over and over as I made my morning coffee. My heart actually raced with my thoughts. I had been treated with rudeness on several occasions and maybe for the first time, I had just taken it. I didn’t say a word, just moved on. I had been small.
Why didn’t I react back? Why did I turn and walk away? I’ll tell you one thing; it wasn’t because of any desire to turn the other cheek. Nothing pious in my response. I think it was simply to avoid drama. To keep from pouring gasoline on a little flame. But now I was paying for it. My soul was poisoned.
The great thing about this is that I even noticed! I live my life these days in such a state of peace I truly can’t take a drop of discord. My defenses go nuts. I want to purge the junk out of my system and quickly regain my serenity. So that’s what I did. I prayed. I journaled. I let go. And I thought of Mom and Gramma and how they got smaller with age. How they just stopped reacting to toxic people or situations. Shaking the small stuff off and holding onto their peace. I’m not there. Not by a long shot. Even in my non-reaction I stuff the toxins. But I’m closer than I was. And perhaps most importantly, I see this “smallness” for what it is…a good thing. I won’t feel sad when I see an older person become seemingly smaller. It’s graciousness. It’s peace. It’s being content in not fighting back…in not fighting for “rights”.
I’m pretty sure some of you were born chill. Born with the beautiful ability to be blissfully unaffected by the Toxic. If that’s you…I love that quality! Yay God! But if you’re like me and you’re learning how to respond to the toxic in your life…prayers for you and for me! May love and peace keep us centered as we age gracefully ~
Hi Robin,
This is something to really think about. I’ve been tested a lot lately in this area…sometimes it’s hard to turn the other cheek. I guess we have to pick our battles and decide which ones are worth our time or angst. What’s that saying…it’s not what happens to you in life, but how you react to it?
Susan
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i really enjoyed your story, and you really have me thinking. Im far from being a mean spirited person but i was never one to back down, but lately (unless its my children) i have noticed that i too have been turning the other cheek, i prefer to save my energy for the good things in life.
hugs
janet
Thankyou for sharing this post on a sensitive topic of women that we love becoming smaller, gives much to think about.
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Robin – this was so beautifully written. I have never thought of the rudeness et al as “toxic” but you are so right. Maybe it is a Southern thing that we women try to avoid discord at all costs. hence, sometimes I feel I am not “Southern” at all because I am the crazy lady always taking up for the meek and fighting back for the silent. I am the one in the back of the grocery line who speaks up to someone being rude at a young mother because her kids are “acting up.” Oh I could go on and on. My DH says “it” (,eaning discord) finds me. I don’t know. But it is my lot in life – the protector, the defender, the crazy lady. LOL
I hope you find peace. Hugs, Barb
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OH, this was a wonderful post, so well written and makes me think. I think I’m getting smaller too! At this stage in my life I feel it’s just easier to smile at the “toxin” and make the toxiners wonder!
Be a sweetie,
Shelia 😉
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Oh, it makes me want to stand up and cheer for you! I’ve never been a good confronter, but I used to let things sit in me forever… worrying about how I was perceived or distressing about the actions of others. I think it was with getting sick that I realized I don’t have the energy for it… all my energy is going to be expended on truth and joy and substance.
I’m so glad you don’t have to get sick to be there. And you’ll start noticing more and more how much people have negative energy roll off their tongues and their demeanors, and you’ll go home cherishing your inner sanctuary of peace. It’s really the best thing to fight for.
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Beautiful and I am glad I read this to start my Monday. I was also fierce when it came to my boys and now I am seeing this in me for my parents. During our 3 years with childhood cancer, my eyes and ears were always open and I can still see the look Brad would give me when I needed to step in. I have never thought about it in the way you mentioned. Time has a way of softening your heart and the small thing just do not matter as much. I think this is why I love going to the cabin and spending time alone, just me and my simple little cabin.
Thanks for sharing this beautiful met story. I’m the “chill” type but I enjoyed it as I have been noticing the same ‘smallness’ taking place in my mom. Now I feel a little more peaceful about the changes and understand that it’s all about the gifts life offers. The toxic doesn’t matter so much. 🙂 Thanks.
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I LOVED this one. And I totally get Gitz’s comment. I’m not a confronter either but I’ve wasted so much energy (health maybe–at least emotionally speaking) analyzing what others might think of me.
Your last point hit home–that smallness is a good thing. That it’s graciousness and peace.
My mother has a new saying—“it’s more important to be kind than right. ”
??
When I worked at the Psych. hospital in Idaho, I had the honor of working with an elderly Doctor who worked during the summer at our facility. He was a gentle giant and so well loved by us all. He always said that as we age we return to our “infant” selves, in a pure and innocent way. Our defenses are stripped away and while our physical beings may decline, grace comes in being able to live more authentically and simply. I so wish I could talk with him again.
I am understanding his wisdom daily, as I too struggle with not being greatly affected by other’s toxicity. Beautifully thought out and written, Robin! So glad I am not alone in the journey!
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What a wonderful message! I know I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t snap back when someone is rude to me, I just let it go. I try my very best to live a drama free life, and try not to let other people’s drama from affecting me. It still does occassionally, but I do my best to curb it. The longer I work at it, the easier it gets. I just want a simple life, nothing glamourous or extravagant, just to live and let live. Good to know there are others out there with the same attitude.
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Beautiful, Vicky.
Also, I meant to say, I love how you titled this one, Rob.
Hi Robin…
My friend…this was such a great post today! I thoroughly enjoyed it and have to say that you really opened my eyes! I hadn’t quite thought of this change as becoming smaller (as you put it)…but I do understand! As I get older, I know that I’m becoming smaller as well….am I much happier! I really hate discord too…and as I get older I have begun to realize that so much of what goes on…just isn’t worth the fight! I haven’t given in…I’m just at peace!!!
Thank you for sharing this…
Warmest wishes,
Chari
PS…was wondering if you found my note that I left you a few days ago about receiving my pretty plaque? I am loving it, my friend! Thank you again!!!
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This was such a thoughtful post.
My mother used to say that “it’ll all come out in the wash” and similar things.
I have noticed now that I am aging (!) that I just don’t have the energy to deal with a lot of the stuff that I used to. I have always been the ferocious fighter, the one who got in someone’s face when it was needed.
I have decided that I really can’t do much about what other people do or say, only how I react to it. It is much more constructive to do positive things that you enjoy than to waste minutes of your life that you cannot get back fighting a losing battle. Maybe I have shrunk, too.
Scribbler
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I can’t thank you enough for this post as I just got home from being angered by toxic people. As I read your post. I thought of my 90-year old dad who was just like your Grandma and mother. I, too, have that instinct to fight for justice. When I was first reading, I thought “yes, my daddy is smaller these days” and it made me sad. And then when I reached the completion of your post, I realized that daddy is just filled with much more wisdom and inner peace. He has more time to stay focused in prayer since that is all he has left to do. He no longer “reacts” to toxic people like he used to. I pray that I can mature into that person soon. I now long for that quality in your Grandma and my daddy after reading your post. And I’ve been enlightened in realizing that the more I pray for that, the sooner I will receive the grace of inner peace and “smallness”. Awesome post! I will be sure to “follow” your blog. Please come visit and do the same if you would like!
Luv this one~
I remember a time I was accused of doing something I didn’t do, (not
this particular tme), Gramma was livid and verbally, turned my accuser in-
side out! I was five or six years old. She reminded me often that she was
shrinking as she grew older. Of course she was refering to her stature. At
the time I didn’t think much about her vigor, her energy, her verve
diminishing….it’s true, she was smaller, but more loveable in many ways.
I have a picture of her in my mind’s eye….standing in the kitchen, pocket
book in hand, held with both hands, about waist high, waiting on your Mom
to take her grocery shopping……she was small, but I never loved her more.
I remember being held in her arm’s after a seizure (I was 4 or 5); this is my
first recall of God’s love. She was large then and I was small. My Mom was
simply the very best at what she did, and that was loving me unconditionally!
Sorry, got carried away………Your Mom was an unconditional lover, but
more, maybe, some other time…………
He must increase, but I must decrease……Jn. 3:30.
Daddy that comment made me cry…the picture of Gramma with her purse, waist high…waiting. I can see her. That was good.
Also, He must increase but I must decrease…now why didn’t I think of that? That’s exactly what happens! love love lovee
Oh, how lovely this post is…beautiful.
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Thank you for loving me with grace and peace. I love you, my dear, dear, friend.
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I enjoyed reading your post and likened it to myself very much. I think I am getting smaller too and for quite awhile didnt like it and couldnt understand what was happening but after reading your post the fog is slowly clearing..I need to use my energy in other areas in my life. Being able to deal with the Toxins in a more user friendly way has become a part of my life lately. Hugs to you 🙂
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