I’m still practicing the lessons in gratitude I’m learning from Ann Voskamp’s book: One Thousand Gifts by studying it chapter by chapter with some of my family. This week we’re focusing on chapter 5. It’s a sobering chapter, but it’s one of the reasons I love the book. Ann moves fearlessly into the storm of my hard questions…the: where was God when tragedy hammered…Father, can’t you DO something to help …Why God… questions.
Actually, I’ve been thinking about those hard questions a lot since January when I read the book the first time. Is it possible to find God’s gifts in hard times? Is it possible to see God working in the midst of a horrendous tragedy? My Mama’s last four days on this side of eternity were the darkest days of my life…was God there? Was her death simply an accident? Her body reacted to a drug routinely given during surgery. A drug that was recalled 2 months later because it was killing people. So Mama’s death…was it human error? (Or in this case human greed?)
In my morning prayer time last month, thoughts of keeping vigil at Saint Joesph Hospital after Mama’s surgery so crowded my mind that I couldn’t think of anything else…
“Is this one of those situations where I won’t see the gift, the beauty from the ugly…won’t see you at all until I get to the other side of eternity Father?”
I felt pretty certain I wouldn’t be finding any “gifts” from God looking back on that dark time. Too much pain…being in her room when Mama went into cardiac arrest and every nurse and doctor in the CCU ward poured in shoving us out in the process, the loudspeaker blaring CODE-BLUE–CCU –ROOM 423″ …don’t leave us Mama. God save her…please…
No, I couldn’t look back and see God that day…My Daddy’s face so vulnerable and full of…what was it? Fear I think, as a security guard gently took his elbow…”I’m sorry sir. You can’t go back in there.” My sister unable to stand under the weight of panic falling to her knees. All the while the lights mounted up high on the walls blinked fast and that voice on the intercom kept screaming that Mama wasn’t breathing. The horror of those days wouldn’t hold any trace of a gift. After all, this wasn’t the way a saint was supposed to leave this earth. She was supposed to go to be with Jesus in her sleep …peacefully. Sometime after 85th birthday … not at 65…not in the center of a tragedy.
I got up from that prayer time in near hyperventilation …I’ll have to wait for heaven Father, to see you in that nightmare…because right now I can’t find a trace of you there.
But later that day, out of the blue, I had the most vivid memory…along with the memory a dark gaping ache. Just before shutting it down to avoid the dark place, I felt God. Or I thought I did…so I breathed deep and let the memory wash over me and take me back…
It was our last night at the hospital. Daddy, my sister Debra, and I were leaving the Cardiac Care room where Mama was…only she wasn’t really there anymore. We kissed her, said our goodbyes and turned to walk the long corridor into the waiting room full of family to tell them she was gone. My children and Debra’s met us at the door, everyone else stood back giving us space. The children who were grown now, wore on their faces the adult-pain of the past 4 days mixed with just a bit of child-like hope… I leaned into Debra’s ear…”we can’t fall apart right now, we have to be strong for them…” She squeezed my arm and Daddy… our Daddy, who must have been thinking the same thing, bravely proceeded to tell his grandchildren that their Nanny, his wife of nearly 50 years, had gone home to be with Jesus…but one day we would see her again.
All of our children …every single one dropped to the floor sobbing.
As I remembered, it was as if I had a birds-eye view. I could see the children crumpled on the floor, Debra and I on our knees, arms wrapped around shaking shoulders whispering words of hope… And Daddy standing, moved from me to Deb to each child one by one laying his weary hands on our shoulders, comforting us with a touch. Giving to us the strength that God was surely giving him.
And from the birds-eye view, my wounded heart swelled with thanksgiving. God was there. He was giving comfort. Strength. Even a little Peace…and from where I stood 5 years later…I could see the beauty in that horrible moment.
*****
Although I didn’t thank Him at the time, the memory of that moment is on my 1000 Gifts List…
#288- grace and love poured out in my darkest hour…You were there after all.
*****
I can imagine there are people who have hurt so deeply they can never (on this side of eternity ) see God’s hand in their pain…if you’re one of those hurting hearts I’m so deeply deeply sorry. I would never presume I could infuse God into your grief, this is only a snapshot of my own journey.
And if you are there now…in the darkness… I pray God would tenderly hold you Sweet One.
*****
If you have a need and would like to share I’d be so honored to pray with you…
and if you’ve been able to see God in dark times I’d love to hear your story…
Velvet says
April 7, 2011 at 7:27 amThat was heart wrenching. I’m certain that was so very painful to write but you did such a beautiful job. You have a gift. Thank you for sharing your story.
I’m still working my thoughts & emotions through mine. I still don’t understand the hows or the whys. But I know He is with me.
I’ve officially decided I’m going to have to purchase this book.
~Hugs to you friend.
Robin says
April 7, 2011 at 7:56 amVelvet…work slow through the book…love to you xo
Dianne says
April 7, 2011 at 7:28 amThank you for touching my heart today…so beautifully written. I too have had one of those moments ..I knew God was there I just questioned his thinking…then the thought of Mary at her son’s feet came to me…there he was on the cross…in so much pain…I’m sure she didn’t understand..I’m sure this is not how she thought it would be…We all know now that God had a plan …He always does.
Robin says
April 7, 2011 at 8:00 amDianne…Mary at the feet of her son…oh how much pain she must have felt. Scripture tells us that Mary’s heart would be pierced …I hadn’t thought of this. xo (And yes, He always has a plan …for grace. But sometimes we can’t see it .)
Julie Garmon says
April 7, 2011 at 7:38 amI held it together until you wrote about your daddy loving on y’all. God loving you through him.
Almost too deep/sweet/wonderful for words.
His plan.
dad ~ says
April 7, 2011 at 7:44 am“His mercy endures forever.”
Psalm 136 ~ just this morning…..His timing…..
Robin says
April 8, 2011 at 8:08 pmlove you Daddy
Tracy says
April 7, 2011 at 7:45 amThis brought tears to my eyes! My husband lost his mom last September and he saw God working through his pain of watching his momma in pain. He saw his sisters seeking God and that was his special gift.
Robin says
April 8, 2011 at 8:10 pmTracy…I’m so thankful your sister in law began seeking during this difficult time. I pray she finds her path to Jesus…xo
Judy says
April 7, 2011 at 9:00 amThanks so much for the feature and thanks for hosting such a great party. I really appreciate it. I’m all linked up for this week.
Candy says
April 7, 2011 at 9:35 amYour story moved me to tears. Thank you so much for sharing. I am reading this book now and working on the list (thanks to you). What a great idea to go through it a chapter at a time with someone else. I will have to suggest this to my ladies group.
Sis says
April 7, 2011 at 9:39 amI couldn’t stay away. I’ve struggled to find God there but I’ve not dared to walk into the darkness of those memories. Thank you for helping me see God there. As a Christian I knew He had to be, but I had come to the conclusion He….
Let’s just say you helped me put on the proper lens to see the ugly-beautiful.
For so many reason, I love you~
Deb
Robin says
April 8, 2011 at 8:10 pmBaby Sis…I love you too. xo
Kelly Vaughn says
April 7, 2011 at 2:43 pmYour words, so elegantly written, have left me weeping this morning. I am so happy that you have been able to find comfort in knowing that even in the darkest times of our lives the Lord, our Savior, is still there with us. We may not always understand his way and that is okay as long as we feel his love. God bless you and thank you for sharing. I think you should be a published author.
Hugs, Kelly
Robin says
April 8, 2011 at 8:12 pmKelyl…love to you…so true that we don’t always understand…but I pray He helps me to always trust. xo
jenn says
April 7, 2011 at 3:04 pmbeautiful post, dearheart. when my mom spent 9 weeks in an in-patient psychiatric hospital in another state while i went to my only prom, i wondered where God was. it wasn’t until about 10 years after that that i had the opportunity to see God redeem the years the locust had eaten. it’s sweet, isn’t it, that He does this? redeems pain, gives us insight into His plan, and shows us the scenes again so that we can see evidence of His presence. i love HIM, and i love Him for giving you that GIFT.
Robin says
April 8, 2011 at 8:05 pmJenn…I love the phrase to see “God redeem the years the locust had eaten”…oh He is sweet to let us sometimes see His tender hand guiding us…love to you and glad you’re back.
gitz says
April 7, 2011 at 4:04 pmi love you.
Robin says
April 8, 2011 at 8:05 pmlove you too Gitz…xo
Julie from Fire Lake Camp says
April 7, 2011 at 4:15 pmRobin, With tears pouring down my face I thank you, thank you for this precious post and thank you for your prayers this morning…Your friend in Christ, julie
Robin says
April 8, 2011 at 8:05 pmJulie…I’m continuing to pray Sweet One. love to you and yours.
Vickie says
April 7, 2011 at 4:49 pmThank you for sharing, and yes, it brought tears but that’s okay. Blessings on you!
Robin says
April 8, 2011 at 8:05 pmVickie…Blessing …xo
Tom says
April 7, 2011 at 4:57 pmTouched! Agree with Julie, words fail me. Thank you for sharing your heart and the lasting touch of the Father!
Robin says
April 8, 2011 at 8:12 pmTom…hugs.
Cindy says
April 7, 2011 at 5:04 pmBeautiful post! I’m goig to have to get that book!
Kristin Bridgman says
April 7, 2011 at 5:20 pmBeautifully written! It gave me goosebumps. A lot lof my blog is about a dark time and I wondered why He was so quiet. Sometimes He was very quiet but I realized later, like you, He was there through different ways that I now see. He really does “never leave or forsake us”.
Thank you Father!
Come by my place and see how God is working 🙂
Pinky says
April 7, 2011 at 5:21 pmRobin, when my Mom died Joe was behind me literally holding me up. I didn’t realize that at the time but that is what happened. But i think God was there helping him hold me. When both of my kids became addicted to alcohol/drugs, God held me up. I was VERY angry at the time at God, but can bnow see how going through all that I ahve has been a blessing. I would not be the person I am had all this not happened. There is alot more but I won’t go on….. Love you and your BIG, sweet heart!!!!! XO, Pinky
Kristin Bridgman says
April 7, 2011 at 5:22 pmBeautifully written! It gave me goosebumps. A lot lof my blog is about a dark time and I wondered why He was so quiet. He was there through different ways that I now see. He really does “never leave or forsake us”.
Thank you Father!
Come by my place and see how God is working 🙂
Pinky says
April 7, 2011 at 5:22 pmRobin, when my Mom died Joe was behind me literally holding me up. I didn’t realize that at the time but that is what happened. But i think God was there helping him hold me. When both of my kids became addicted to alcohol/drugs, God held me up. I was VERY angry at the time at God, but can now see how going through all that I ahve has been a blessing. I would not be the person I am had all this not happened. There is alot more but I won’t go on….. Love you and your BIG, sweet heart!!!!! XO, Pinky
Robin says
April 8, 2011 at 8:02 pmPinky…it takes awhile to see Him in some of the dark times doesn’t it my friend. love u
Kristin Bridgman says
April 7, 2011 at 5:26 pmBeautifully written! It gave me goosebumps.
I’ve read the book, but am going to start over. I am a fast reader and I want to go back and read it slowly.
Please come by my place and see what God did last Saturday:)
Robin says
April 8, 2011 at 8:01 pmKristen…yes, this book can be read (or listened to ) over and over and over and you’ll get something new all the time. It’s full of scripture and story and truth…I’ll come visit you…xo
Kristin Bridgman says
April 7, 2011 at 5:29 pmOk…I just have to say…I do not know what is going on here. It didn’t look like it was taking my comment and now I see they have all showed up. I am SO sorry! I really am not trying to take over here.
bill (cycleguy) says
April 7, 2011 at 5:34 pmThanks for your heart Robin. I am reading Always True by Pastor James MacDonald and even though I just started it, he hits on what you have found out. God is the Promiser and His character is on line with every promise. Promise #1: God Is Always With Me. WOW! I am thrilled that you KNOW that and can lean on that promise. Love and hugs my friend.
Robin says
April 8, 2011 at 7:59 pmBill…”His character is on line w/ every promise”…and He’s faithful isn’t He. hugs
Humbleart says
April 7, 2011 at 8:38 pmThanks for sharing todays blog, In the darkest hour…, it was sad( I cried reading it) but meaningful to me. My husband of 30+ years was just diagnosed with bladder cancer yesterday ( after surgical removal of the tumor two days ago). He is 61 and I am 58. This is our darkest hour now, and with no insurance and almost little of our savings/ retirement $ left, it is scary in many ways. I have enjoyed reading your blog daily for many months now, and always check it each day. Once again, thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Robin says
April 8, 2011 at 7:58 pmHumbleart…you and your husband are in my prayers…love to you…
Elizabeth says
April 7, 2011 at 11:57 pmThank you dear friend for sharing this today. It ministered to me deeply.
Robin says
April 8, 2011 at 7:58 pmElizabeth…hugs and love my friend.
Casey says
April 8, 2011 at 12:58 amThank you, Robin. I needed to read this and feel this. So much is going on in my life right now, I feel overwhelmed. But you reminded me, God will never leave me. That is a wonderful gift!
Robin says
April 8, 2011 at 7:57 pmCasey I’m so sorry your life is full of things that overwhelm…saying a prayer and sending love…
Rena says
April 8, 2011 at 9:56 amThank you for sharing your heart. Back in 1982 my 46 year old daddy died after a short 3 month battle with cancer. People were praying all over the world for God to heal him. The end came when we weren’t looking. After spending a week with my parents and siblings, my husband, 2 daughters and I made the 12 hour trip home. The next morning mom called with the news that daddy had died. Not quite sure how to explain to our 2 year old daughters that the granddaddy they had just seen the day before had gone to heaven I held them and cried as my husband told them. They then ran off to play – a short time later one came back and patted me on my cheek and said words I will never forget, “It’s ok mommy. Granddaddy is all better now and lives with Jesus.” God was there in our darkest days and He shined through my children.
Robin says
April 8, 2011 at 7:57 pmOh Rena…thank you for sharing. love to you
MarieElizabeth says
April 8, 2011 at 10:30 pmOver the last few years I have had many Why God moments. I have been trying to turn them to What Now moments, because I do know there is a purpose. So I can absolutely relate to your challenges and have also had a couple clear moments of seeing God when I least expected it.
TeresaL says
April 10, 2011 at 11:34 amRobin, you and your sharing are an incredible blessing in my life. Thank you for having a blog, for sharing your faith, your heartaches, your praises and your insights.
Blessings to you.
TeresaL
Robin says
April 12, 2011 at 7:55 pmTeresa…thank you sweet friend. love to you…xo
Michelle Dunphy says
April 11, 2011 at 10:17 amRobin, reading your story this morning brought tears to my eyes. We lost our Mom 21 years ago now, I was 14. But reading this brought it all back. I was raised in a Christian home. And I too remember my father being the comfortor. I have gone down a different path, I don’t have that relationship with God. You have left me with something to think about today as I go about daily life. I often feel the need, knowing that I have something missing in my life but for some reason have not made the step to accept Him into my life…. Michelle
Jenn the Pen says
April 12, 2011 at 5:26 pmHaving been raised Presbyterian, I rarely ask “Why, God” questions. I didn’t ask when I lost my oldest brother / father figure, my mom or my grandparents. I’ve always been comforted by the fact that God has a plan for us and everything in my life leads to something else. I live my life waiting for answers to the questions I haven’t asked.
Thank you for this post. Your emotions are raw and real. They brought back so many bittersweet memories for me. And I loved everyone of them. I read in Sue Miller’s “While I Was Gone”, a passage that talked about memories and how they, just for that moment, bring those people back to us. To me, it was an absolutely beautiful way to express the feeling.
Robin says
April 12, 2011 at 7:54 pmJenn…my kids went to a Presbyterian school and I worked there for years. I had many spirited conversations w/ my good Presbyterian friends, we disagreed on so much. But the older I get there is less to disagree about. It is a comfort to know that nothing comes to me unless it’s filtered through the fingers of a loving God.
I loved the book While I Was Gone. 🙂
xo
Robin says
April 12, 2011 at 7:54 pmJenn…my kids went to a Presbyterian school and I worked there for years. I had many spirited conversations w/ my good Presbyterian friends, we disagreed on so much. But the older I get there is less to disagree about. It is a comfort to know that nothing comes to me unless it’s filtered through the fingers of a loving God.
I loved the book While I Was Gone. 🙂
xo
Carrie says
April 12, 2011 at 8:53 pmThanks for sharing. I sit here in tears..without words…
I read a few pages of the the book. Then put it away…I’ll get it out and try again.
You are amazing.
DEEDLES says
August 11, 2011 at 4:29 pmThis is THE most inspiring blog I have ever found . Thank you so much for sharing your life with us.
Danielle says
August 12, 2012 at 7:33 pmRobin, Thank you for sharing your story. I haven’t heard of the book but plan on going out to get it….it’s now on my must read list! Your words and your story have been a gift. God Bless
Denise Osborn says
December 28, 2012 at 2:25 amIsn’t it funny how God can send you to a blog you have never heard of and find something written that speaks right to your heart. This was the perfect thing for me to find tonight. I am not even sure how I came to read this blog. I was lost in computer space. Thank you so very much for sharing your thoughts and your faith. Today is December 28, 2012 at 12:24. You wrote this over a year ago and it was just perfect. All things work to the good of the Lord. Bless you.
Diane Murray says
April 10, 2013 at 3:23 amI don’t have my blog set up yet. Your gifts are many! You inspire and help us want to be better women. Your story was so well written that I could actually visualize you and your family during your dark days when your Mom left this world for a better one. I too have felt God’s presence-many, many times. I felt him and knew he was there when I was six and living under abusive circumstances while away from my parents (they divorced and I went to live with an aunt and uncle). I am 57 now and still recall Jesus being my closest friend during those times. There have been so many instances where I felt his presence, but none so strongly as when my oldest son was in Iraq in 2003. The night the war began and the first missle was fired (televised too), my legs would not hold me up. I truly did not believe I could hold up mentally and emotionally. Five minutes after that first missle was launched (which, I did not know at the time, landed 100 feet from the tent my son was working in. Just the impact threw him several feet and bloodied his nose and gave him a temporary back problem. This was a 5000 pound chinese searsucker missle which could have easily destroyed his entire camp. It did not detonate. Teams of marine investigators were sent in to examine it later on and never did figure out why it didn’t detonate. The only other missle of that type that was fired during that war was misguided and detonated under water and still did minor damage to a mall 2 miles away) anyway, 5 minutes after the tv showed the bombing I received a call from a woman in California. I live in North Carolina. She introduced herself to me and explained that her son Julian was my son’s war partner. (They were a military family and she had 3 sons serving-very stong and brave people). She said she had instructions from her son to call me as soon as the war started and encourage me because my son had worried that it would be more than I could handle. That was my first light bulb during that time that God was with us-our shield. Then it almost got funny. I prayed a lot and everytime I prayed to hear some word that Kev was okay-honestly-right away I would get an email from him or one of his buddies sometimes just saying can’t talk, all is well here. One Saturday morning I woke and I remember when I walked into the kitchen, the sunlight shining in the window, I said God you are so good-I don’t need anything right now, but sometime in the near future please send me a little message that he is okay. A few minutes later I went to pull something up on my computer (a recipe I think), and there was an instant message from “the sandbox” saying Mom okay here-be strong, DFTSYP (that was our abbreviate for don’t forget to say your prayers). Well I am long winded or what? lol I just wanted to share my walk with God with you. I think he carried me more than I walked. God Bless you and thanks for the inspiration. Your mom is very proud of you!
Robin says
April 10, 2013 at 7:27 amDiane, thank you for sharing your story. My faith was strengthened just reading about how God has been so present for you over and over again. What a beautiful thread of His Presence woven through your beautiful life. I’m honored and thankful you shared my friend-
Sending you love today and best wishes with your blog.
xoxo
R
(also love how close you and your son are xo)