I’m listening to this song by Jacks Mannequin a lot lately. Before I let you listen, I want to tell you about the song’s impact on one of my most important relationships…
My daughter Emma, the baby, the proverbial exclamation mark on our family story, well she’s going through a tough time. It’s been on and off for awhile and she and I aren’t seeing eye to eye on everything in her life. But hey, she’s an adult. She lives on her own. What do I expect? I didn’t and don’t always see eye to eye with my parents.
But as a parent to four delightful adults I can tell you, it’s hard when their opinions and choices don’t match your own. I remember when Bethany, our oldest daughter, told us after Bible class at her predominately Presbyterian Christian school, that she didn’t agree with something we (our church at the time) believed. I looked at The Husband after a long conversation with her and said: “Were you the one who gave her permission to have her own opinions? And if it wasn’t you…then WHO?”
As odd as that sounds now, I wasn’t kidding when I said it. Over the years I’ve gotten better at opening my heart to their differing beliefs and choices, but Emma is my baby. Apparently I wasn’t as good at this as I thought. She’s had some major life changes over the past year or two and the changes have reached a crescendo over the past few months. This song is the one she put as her caller-tune. (in case you don’t know a caller tune is what someone hears when they call, not a ringing sound, but the song) Anyhoo, this was the song on her phone after her engagement to her long time (5 year) boyfriend was called off.
Now, that may not seem like a big deal to you but I can tell ya that I’ve been made aware of big issues in the lives of a couple of my kids by the music they chose for ring-tones or background music on their MySpace page. (Which none of them have anymore…apparently MySpace is soooo “out”) Anyhoo, every time I called her I heard the chorus blaring at me. This is what I thought it said:
And I’m alive
And I don’t need a witness
To know that I survived
I’m not looking for forgiveness
I just need light
I need light in the dark as I search for the revolution.
It annoyed me beyond words. All I could hear was: “I’m not looking for forgiveness” and “…I search for the revolution”. What kind of revolution is she looking for?
After a few weeks of thick tension between she and I, one morning I was praying for her and for some reason that song popped into my head. (If you call someone a lot and hear their caller tune over and over and over…it sticks in your head. Just sayin) I pulled up iTunes and downloaded the song and listened. And listened. And listened. Something happened in my heart. In the song I could hear what I couldn’t hear from talking to Emma. All the noise between us kept me from really hearing her.
But in the song , I heard raw pain and hurt. I could hear desperation to find NOT a revolution…but a resolution. I sent her a text immediately, it said something like: I’m praying for you as you search for your resolution. Love Mom
The next time we talked later that day, there was a considerable lessening in the noise between us. The familiar warmth was back. She and I still don’t see eye to eye on everything. But I feel I better understand this amazing young woman who is and will always be my baby. I’m praying for her. I’m here for her. I respect her decisions. Even if they aren’t ones I’d make. Mostly I trust God in her.
You’d think after practicing letting go of these four beautiful human beings I get to call my kids that I’d be good at it. But I continually revert back to being that shocked young parent discussing Biblical theology with that little curly haired middle schooler. Only now I know Who gave all of them permission to have their own opinions, the same One who gave me permission to have opinions that differed from my parents…
If you have kids, do you have trouble with them having opinions and making choices that you wouldn’t ?
Oh, yes I most certainly do have a problem….my youngest and I are close, but I always know the minute something is not right…..she shuts down completely. She and her long time boyfriend are no longer together…I really don’t know the story…but it is hard because we really liked this guy…..but like you said yourself…not our decision. I know it is hard these days for young adults….and equally hard on the parents.
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Okay, you made me cry. I have raised 3 boys and letting go and finding my new role in their lives has been difficult. I have one that has taken a path I would have never chosen or even dreamed of . These last 10 months have been the hardest months of my life. But the Lord is teaching me many things, one being that my job is to only Love him. And even that is hard to show sometimes. Even when you love them more than life itself it can be so hard to show it when you totally and completely do not understand their path. Anyway thanks so much for sharing. This is your gift. And it is a gift.
Hugs & Prayers,
~Velvet
That song is actually pretty good! It’s so true to the feelings of people struggling with their life. That was me when I was a single Mom. I dread the day I have to let go of my 4 children. But I will always hold on to the promise of protection and provision from God! 🙂 Hugs my friend!
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By the way, she is just as beautiful as her Mom! She looks just like you!
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you are such a good momma, robin. 🙂 i’m sending you hugs.
I know EXACTLY what you mean, as I have raised three young men myself. Just a couple of days ago, I wrote this post, which deals with something very silmilar. http://matteroffactsite.blogspot.com/2009/08/wild-at-heart.html
I was very strict with my sons while they were growing up and now have I asked them for forgiveness on so many stupid things I did or said. It has very much healed our relationship, in much the same way you describe with your daughter. I pray more and fret less- I never thought that was possible, but it is. I am a much happier woman who is enjoying the relationship with three grown and VERY different sons!
You’re a wise woman.
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Wow. Beautiful post. Tears again at your writing.
Love you. I get it. I understand. I’m with you.
Why is it once they turn 18 you think “the tough part is over”? not so is it? My oldest is almost 22, we are so close and have many of the same opinions and beliefs (even hubby says it’s scary how much alike we are) – but we still have our moments – and right now we are dealing with “the boyfriend” situation. They’ve been together for 5 years, moved in together last fall – and I don’t think he’s right for her – it’s tough when I see her sad and upset with him, yet she continues to stay and talk about getting married some day (to him)- she knows how her dad and I feel, I can only hope that some day she’ll realize there is someone so much better out there for her!
Thanks for another great post Robin!?
~TidyMom
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Robin,
That was yet another insightful post. I completely understand how you feel and I relate to many of the same situations from madison. Sometimes, what they think is not what we think…what they would do is certainly not what we would do, the paths they choose are not the ones we would choose but they are individuals with the same challenges as young adults we had. I have to think back when I was that age and remember I didnt always make good choices either. What is important is they have the foundation of love, strength and faith that you spent all those years building. It may take a little time but their foundations are strong and will hold them up when they wobble! Not to worry…You raised a good egg with this one. I can see her impish grin in my mind right now when she was 5 years old and shut the garage door when she wasnt supposed to. She was too cute and too funny! She always was spirited and that’s what makes her special! Be patient…trust your faith…you dont have to always see eye to eye right now. You just have to be there to guide her when she needs you! 🙂
Absolutely, this is my biggest challenge in raising teenagers! I want them to think like I think and learn from the mistakes I made (at least the ones I tell them about). I want to keep them from hurt and pain. Even though my brain tells me that they have to experience these to grow into the people God wants them to be, my heart tells me to protect them like I did when they were 3 and it does cause issues! Letting go is not easy!
Rene’
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what a great parenting reminder! thanks for being an example for us!
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