As 2009 winds down I’ve been doing what I always do at this time of year, I take some time to take a birds-eye view at the eleven and a half months that are winding down and the twelve months that stretch in front of me pregnant with potential.Last year I wrote about this in a post: Looking Back~Looking Forward.
For the past 11 years, thanks to my precious friend Beth who introduced me to this idea, I’ve been asking God for a “theme” for the new year. Time after time the “theme” is one that’s bouncing around in my head in December and seems hopeful. Like a promise. And time after time my “theme” turns out to be absolutely nothing like I expect. God promises after all, are sometimes a paradox.
For example, one year I thought God said my theme was to : “Love Extravagantly”. I was thrilled. I loved the idea of pouring out love to those around me. I brainstormed and came up with lots of ways I could love extravagantly…little gifts for no reason at all, giving of myself to serve others in practical ways, my list was a half-mile long. Hummm, that friends, was a super tough relational year. When the rubber met the road I had to swallow my pride and make amends with several people. Loving Extravagantly WAS NOT as much fun as I’d hoped. In truth, it was physically painful.
This has happened year after year, so last year when I thought my theme for 2009 was: “Tickled by Joy”. I knew this wouldn’t be quite as exciting as it sounded.
Looking back, it would be almost hilarious if I were talking about someone else. This year, at first glance I think the theme should have been: Lean into the pain. (Then again, if I had believed God was telling me to “Lean into my pain” I would have curled up in a corner and never left the house.) “Leaning into pain” became my mantra for several months. Let me explain, I accepted, for perhaps the first time, that life was hard. Sounds stupid I know. I mean life has been hard for me before, but I always made excuses for “life”. Things like, it was hard because of my choices. Life was hard because of someone else’s choices. I never looked life square in the face and said…it’s just hard sometimes, no matter what you do. For seasons at a time, life is hard.
When the “season” started, I didn’t fall into my old habits of denying the pain, or numbing the pain, or stuffing the pain. I didn’t even get furious and pitch a fit because of the pain.
No, in 2009 God brought me through a season of pain and I just leaned in. For days even weeks at a time I felt like I was walking around in a thick fog. Tears. Pain. Heaviness. It was a tough season. Tickled by joy? Not even close. No joy at all. At least not my old definition of joy.
But guess what? I lived. I lived and when I was done with that season my perspective on joy was different. Heaven to Betsy was it ever. Ya know what I realized? That in the pain, as I leaned in, there was an itsy, bitsy smidge of pure joy. Raw and a little rough around the edges, but it was joy non-the-less. Not a giddy, gushing, clapping, jumping joy. (Nothing wrong with that. I love that feeling) This was a joy that was rooted in God is God and I am not. Life may be painful at times. But there’s more than just this life. The joy I found in the pain was more of an eternal joy. Not a right now feeling but an assurance of something beyond right now. I’m not gonna lie to you. Still, I was not tickled.
But in coming out of that season, knowing full well that there will be other seasons of pain in my life, there has been a bit of a tickle. When the fog lifted and I could breathe easy, I felt it, tickled by joy. Not the joy I’ve always counted on. Maybe that feeling is better called happiness. This “joy” pierced my heart in the process of being buried there.
And when it was all said and done, the “tickle of joy” brought me to tears. There’s more than this life. There’s eternity. The pain I see around me, the injustice I don’t understand, the dreams that lay shattered around my feet aren’t the whole picture. They are part of the whole but they aren’t the whole. There’s more. This life isn’t the end of the story. That brings me joy.
Do any of you take time as the year comes softly to a close, to look back and look forward? If you do, I’d so love to know your process…
Tomorrow, I’m going to share what I believe to be God’s message to me in 2010. It’s the most frightening message I think I’ve heard from Him EVER.
Prayers to each of you my Friends, as we live our legacy~one day at a time.
Wow, this is so powerful and needed to be heard(especially by me)! May millions read this and feel the honesty and joy that is beyond our understanding.
Tom is right. I hope millions read this. I think this idea is straight from the heart of God…a theme to carry us through the year. Sitting here thinking about this, I think I’d have to pick TRUST.
Thank you.
Awesome!!!
Very powerful and moving! Thank you for sharing such personal feelings with us. My year end/beginning reflection is done by a review of the year and trying to see all that I have learned from it. Sometimes joyful but also a lot of pain in there. I then have three things I want to let go of and three things I wish to happen in the New Year written down on paper. I have a get together with friends who are as close as family and we burn these bits of paper to let them go out into the world. I pray and then try to be open to all God has for me in the New Year.
.-= Linda @ A La Carte´s last blog ..MY HEART IS FULL OF LOVE =-.
I must agree with those who posted ahead of me Robin. What an awesome lesson we can learn when we don’t kick against God’s lessons but lean into them and Him. You learned a valuable lesson that I/we all should: joy is not dependent on our circumstances. Joy comes from what is inside us. Thank you for your vulnerability. I pray that 2010 will bring fruit from the lesson(s) of 2009.
.-= Bill (cycleguy)´s last blog ..Deeper- A New Year’s Focus =-.
Wow lady you never cease to amaze me! Learning to find joy within is hard these days when so many of us (myself included) seek it on the outside. I learned as a little girl to put on a smiling face & to “fake it till I make it”. Luckily the older I get and the more I come closer to God, I have learned to not bottle it up but to lay it at his feet. My husband feels at times like I am just a hopeless optimist but I find great joy in letting go & letting God! Things usually work better that way because when I am in control boy do I screw things up. & you know what dear……your blog often leaves me tickled with joy!
.-= Hopeful Housewife´s last blog ..Merry Christmas =-.
This is such a wonderful idea. I’m going to spend some time in prayer, asking our Lord for a theme! I’ll share what I “hear.”
.-= Julia´s last blog ..Monday, Monday.. =-.
Oh I forgot to ask permission….I would like to share this idea on my blog (credited to you, of course)?
.-= Julia´s last blog ..Monday, Monday.. =-.
Julia I’d be so honored if you mentioned this on your blog!
Exactly how do we do that? I would love to reference this post and blog on my blog…
This past year has been so tough on us, unemployment, sickness, surgery, etc.. It has been hard to find God but we did and man did He show up! I turn 40 this year. What a milestone. I’m ashamed to be out of shape. I’m really feel God’s them for me this year is a Healthy Me. Using and understanding that my body is a temple and what a testimony at the end of this year when I look back and can give God the Glory for a new fitness outlook and results.
Michelle~ What a year you’ve had friend! Sometimes tough years have shown up in my body, with sickness and for the love of pete…extra weight. Sounds like you’re hearing God to move into a more healthy lifestyle. When I think God’s speaking to me it’s with things like I keep reading, hearing and thinking about a certain direction. Scriptures, books, friends, even songs will just come alive with a common theme. I begin praying about it. Normally when I say: “what are you saying God?” I think He tells me that I’ve already got my answer. That’s just my process. I’m pretty sure I miss God’s voice to me a lot, but my heart is to hear Him and do His will. I believe when I miss Him, He’s able to intervene and put me on the right path.
Michelle, I’m praying for your 2010 to be full of good health choices and that your body will quickly begin reaping the results.
I think Hopeful Housewife has been listening in to my heart! I am a very grateful member of the Al-Anon community and have learned tremendous things in the 4 1/2 years I have been a member. I have had ALOT of pain and questions of “why me” in my life but have come to reaslize that ALL of my pain and the lessons from it have made me theperson that I am today. So, I wouldn’t trade that pain now. I embrace it and then let IT GO!!!!! And lean into THE JOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have so many blessings and am so very grateful for each and every one of them, and I include YOU as one of them dear friend! Blessings to you in 2010. God does speak through you to all of us and that is something I am SO grateful for! XO, Pinky
You’re speaking my language, and I’m so proud of you that you are open to letting God shape your life. Love you, girl.
.-= gitz´s last blog ..Blog Peep Questions: Round 9 =-.
This is the funniest thing – I feel the exact same way you do – you just said it better.
I do think we go through seasons of life. Some are good seasons and some are not, but go through them we must.
2003 I had a major crisis about every month. I didn’t know if U would survive or not. I did. And I learned two things. I learned that I was strong and I learned what joy was – in the ‘little’ things.
I think one thing I did to help find the joy in life – was to keep a grateful journal. For ten years and continuing – I make myself list 5 things a day that I am grateful for. It changes your life.
Happy New Year Robyn.
Sandie