Mourn with those who mourn…I’m doing the work book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. Something he said got me thinking, ‘ to mourn with those who mourn is one of the hardest things for Christian’s to do.’ I’ve been turning this over and over in my pointed head, wondering why that would be hard…
I love to fix things. When someone comes to me hurting and in despair my mind goes on a mission. I frantically look for the best answer, the best plan, the best to-do list to throw at the situation. My motivation is good, I think. I want to help them FEEL better. Eliminate the pain. But what if they need to feel the pain. What if they need to lean into their hurt and move through it? Not around it.
When my mom left this world, it was sudden and hit me hard. If there was a grieving criteria, I would have failed. I folded up into a tiny person and locked myself in my house. For a few months I stayed in my bedroom. I’m not exaggerating. My friends didn’t know what to do with me. After a respectable amount of time some of them tried to get me to go out to lunch or some other “fun” activity. Looking back, I completely understand where they were coming from, I’ve done exactly the same thing. But here’s the thing…I couldn’t “do lunch” or something else ‘fun’. I couldn’t do anything but take the next breath.
I had two friends though, who gave me permission to grieve the way I needed to…both of them knew what it was like to lose a parent. They called frequently and listened to my pain. I didn’t hold back with them. And time after time, they mourned with me. This went on for nearly a year at this intensity. (I told you I wouldn’t pass grieving 101…)
My long time friend, Julie, who’s dad passed away when we were in our twenty’s told me to: “Do what you need to do, you’ll know when you’re ready to move through this“.
And Beth, my precious friend who lost her mom and since then her dad, loved me unconditionally and once told me: “It’s okay. You feel things deeply, that’s one of the reasons I love you so much”.
Both of these women told me that there’s no “right” way to grieve. They listened. They mourned with me. They didn’t try to fix me. And I’m forever indebted to them for that.
I don’t want anyone to feel unnecessary pain. I want to help with a solution if I can. But I’m learning that sometimes feeling pain is necessary and a solution isn’t appropriate. Have you ever experienced a loss or been in a painful time when someone shared your journey instead of trying to take you in a brighter direction? How do you mourn with those who mourn?
Good thoughts Robin. I think one of the reasons people don’t mourn or allow others to mourn is they sometimes feel inept in what to say/do instead of just listening or holding. We have this uncanny knack for wanting to fix people, to think that we know best for them. We need to allow people to be themselves. I am glad you had friends who allowed you to grieve as you needed to. Another real tragedy are those who “mourn while others laugh and laugh when others mourn” but that is a whole ‘nother subject.
.-= bill (cycleguy)´s last blog ..The Real Deal =-.
Bill, I love it when you drop in!!!
This is making me think: …”another tragedy is when people mourn while others laugh and laugh when others mourn”
I think that’s so true.
Praying for you this morning friend….the dangerous prayer~
Sounds as if you were blessed with some very good friends!
I lost a 16 year old nephew that I was very close to, and you are right…the people that helped our family most were not the ones with all the answers, but the ones who held us tight as we muddled through all the questions.
Those who offered hugs, and shoulders and ears helped our healing process begin. I try to do the same with others who are grieving. Now,many years later, I still don’t have the answers, but I am at peace and pressing on.
Very good post.
.-= sherri´s last blog ..What say you Wednesday? The church- a blessing or a curse? =-.
I always want to help or suggest a book or find a solution, it is just so hard to just listen at times…when I went through my divorce…I went through a process of grieving where I just had to look through photo albums of our past and focus on the good times that were behind us and realize that our life together wasn’t all negative as it seemed at that time…we truly did love each other at one point and that love brought me my two children…my family thought I was crazy for looking at the pictures because they thought I was making things worse…but I had a friend that just was right there beside me the whole time listening to me and crying with me….it definitely was a grieving process that I had to go through….it gave me a new perspective on my problems…I haven’t needed to look at those pictures since…I am always grateful to my friend Beth for going through that with me and listening to me blubber!
BTW, I am loving your blog….I feel I have found a kindred spirit in you….I was just getting ready to make the Banana Walnut Bread that you found at Starbucks…I used your topping with chocolate chips and took it to work….YUMMO!
So much I could say, but words don’t always say what our hearts feel.
I love you.
Another great post Robin! Since I have been going through so much in the past year, a friend of mine told me she just doesn’t know what to say. We decided she doesn’t need to say anything for me to feel her love. I’ve also decided not to fight the fact that I hurt and just rest and wait for God to lift the burden when it is time. I appreciate this post and will be linking to it today.
.-= Lanie´s last blog ..A Kept Woman =-.
Lanie, prayers as you make your journey and lean into your pain. I pray for God to bring you into a lighter place very soon. Hugs Sweetie~
Robin – what excellent insight. I, like you, am a super fixer. I’ve had to work hard at just listening instead of swooping in, cape & all, to wash the pain away.
I think we become afraid of the silence when we’re around someone who’s greiving. As if the constant chatter of unnecessary advice really brings them to a different place.
Thanks for giving me something good to ponder. Sorry about your Mom…
.-= Veronica´s last blog ..Feedback Loops In Action – 09/03/2009 =-.
Robin,
I have a slightly different problem. In the few instances when I really needed to mourn, like when my dad passed away or when my beloved father-in-law died, I wouldn’t allow myself to grieve. I became busy helping my family get through it. After all one of us has to keep it together! The problem with that approach is grief manifests itself in other ways that aren’t very pretty. By the time we realize what we are doing….the damage has been done but the grief is still there. Make sense? I have no trouble at all allowing others to go through the process no matter how long it takes….I just don’t let myself do it.
Thanks for the interesting and thought provoking post!
Tammy
Thank you Robin, I love you, Gail
Thank you for sharing this. I am a fixer too. I lost my darling, darling Mom 4 years ago. And there are days that the pain is so fresh it feels like I am still in the center of the storm. This post helped me look at my grief and see it in a new light. I am going to embrace it and not feel shame. What a blessing it is to have read these words today!
Oh Barb! It’ll be 4 years since my mom left on Dec. 30…it’s true Sweet One, some days take me right back to the dark days of grieving. And I just go there. How else am I supposed to feel. I miss her. The world isn’t the same without your mom in it…love to you today Barb.
Beautiful sentiments and so beautifully written.
I can’t tell you how many times we would see patients in the psych. hospital who hadn’t been allowed to fully grieve or supported through their grief. They were told they should be done with the process, when they weren’t yet. It was coming out in all kinds of other ways, and sometimes it was years later.
I am taking notes on all of this. I appreciate the wisdom of all who have gone before me. Blessings to you!
.-= Vicky´s last blog ..Go Cobbers Go =-.
Thanks for sharing. As I write this, my mother is asleep in the other room , suffering from lung cancer. I always do my best to fix things and take care of others (which is what I am doing now) but when it comes time for me to grieve, I’m not really sure what will happen. Thanks for the insight and sharing, yours and God’s timing is spot on!
.-= Nan´s last blog .. =-.
Nan, I’m so sorry for all you and your precious mom are going through. Hugs and prayers to you both.
you always seem to read my mind… i really needed this post today. it helps me cope with the “funk” i’m experiencing in correlation to my grandfather’s death earlier this week.
thank you robin… you speak to my heart.
.-= brandiandboys´s last blog ..Yay or Nah? =-.
Brandi….love you.
my first time commenting here .. this is something that I really needed to hear.
Our family has known death looming in our future, maybe I was meant to read this so I can help others by allowing them to grieve in their own way and just being present for them. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for everything….forever and always
Great post. My mom died when I was 19. To date, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I can so totally relate to what you said about how it was all you could do to keep taking the next breath. Yep. Been there. Done that.
Ever since her death, I no longer have as strong of an urge (it’s still there to some extent) to fix other people’s grieving. I know that it’s enough to “just” be there when they need to talk, or take a meal to them, and just let them do what they need to do.
Thanks for posting this.
.-= Carrie´s last blog ..An acquired taste =-.
Carrie, I suppose loosing someone so close gives a perspective that’s invaluable…but also one you don’t want first hand. I’m sorry you’ve been without your mom for your adult life. Hugs and thx for weighing in…
Rob, thank you for standing beside me during my process of grieving. love you
This was so good, Robin. I have really close friends who have experienced intense loss and I’ve learned a lot through grieving with them. My friend Kelly’s daughter died of brain cancer when she was 11, and two years later Kelly’s dad died of kidney cancer. I was able to be with their family at Hospice when both of them died and was so honored to be a part of it. What we constantly talked about is the fact that there are no “shoulds” in grieving. What feels right in that moment is what’s right for that person. It’s been six years and they still haven’t picked out a headstone for their daughter, Kate. Instead they have a shepherd’s hook that they decorate for each season. People talk about it like it matters, but to them it’s how they still celebrate her. The only should in grieving, we’ve learned, is that they should do what works for them.
I’m so grateful to your friends who sat with you and loved you where you were. Always remember that we all love you wherever you are 🙂
.-= gitz´s last blog ..The Ripple Effect =-.
I just discovered your blog today and I’ve been reading through your posts. Wow! What insight! When we lost our son, well meaning people said really horrible things and others were just pious with no compassion. The Scriptures they quoted were like pouring salt on an open wound, they just stung. I’ve given a lot of thought about what our responses should be to those who grieve. How wonderful that you had friends who understood.
As I was reading through Job again the other day, I saw, really for the first time, that his friends sat with him for seven days and seven nights without saying a word. I had never noticed that part before. They were actually very good friends, it’s when they started talking that they got themselves in trouble. Lesson… it’s really better to say nothing than to say something stupid or even worse trying to sound Spiritual and pious without having real compassion.
Thanks so much for writing this!
.-= Robin´s last blog ..Of Mums and Mantids =-.