How do you feel about emotional pain? I hate it. I have spent my life avoiding it. Trying to numb it. Stuffing it. Pretending it wasn’t there. Only to have it eventually demand attention at inopportune times. I’m not sure what I was afraid of…maybe I thought I wouldn’t live if I allowed it.
Once, my friend Beth said this to me; “You feel things deeply, that’s one of the things I love about you.” Beth has been God’s voice to me on so many occasions but on this particular day I was about seven months into grieving my mother’s death and I had completely shut down and very nearly locked myself in my house. (I heard my daughter Stephie tell someone during that time…”unless you’re married to her or she gave birth to you your pretty much outta luck.” )
Beth gave me permission to grieve in the way I needed to. Permission to feel deeply and respond to those feelings…even if it wasn’t pretty. Who can blame a person though, for feeling the loss of their mother so deeply and for so long? That’s perfectly normal in my mind. But I have intense emotional pain over lesser things and I’ve always felt compelled to stop it.
It’s been that way lately. Several weeks ago I went downstairs to the room we keep the paper back books that we want to hang on to. I was looking for a book my friend Julie told me to pull out and read, Shattered Dreams. I found it right away but couldn’t make myself stop reading the titles. One by one, squinting, I was searching for a book…which one? I just knew there was another book hidden on these shelves that I was meant to find. Then I read the binder of this book: The Gift of Pain. That’s was it. I bought it years ago because it was co- written by Phillip Yancey whom I adore. I read it but honestly didn’t remember much about it but I’m sure, this day, God wanted me to dive back in.
Phillip Yancey wrote the book with Dr. Paul Brand about Dr. Brand’s life. Dr. Brand was a hand surgeon and leprosy expert. He was the pioneer in research that proved leprosy not only caused tissue to die away but that the loss of pain sensation made patients so much more susceptible to terrible injury.
So there is such thing as a pain-free person. In this book I read how leprosy patients slowly loose the pain sensation. A twisted ankle quickly becomes a broken ankle leading to a disfigured infected crippling ankle when the person feels nothing and continues to walk and run on the affected foot. On and on went the stories of how harmful it would be to have a pain-free life. I have a precious blog-friend, Sara, aka: Gitzen Girl who endures terrible senseless pain every single day, I’m sure this isn’t what Dr. Brand was talking about though. He’s speaking of normal pain responses that tell us when something is wrong.
Having been in “The Fog” for awhile, I have taken this to heart. Not numbing my pain. Not trying to shove it down. Not trying to ignore it. Just kinda leaning into it and letting God show me the way through. This honestly may be the first time I’ve done this and I just wanted to tell you today that it hasn’t killed me. I’m even getting tiny glimmers of joy here and there. If you have been running from some type of pain I pray you’ll consider letting God use it. Like with physical pain, perhaps there’s a deeper issue that needs addressing. Or maybe God simply wants to heal an old wound in your heart.
Whatever the reason for my pain I’m asking Him to show me and carry me through it.
Love to you today Sweet Ones and prayers for your journey.
Me too. I feel so deeply.
I love the way you say this–that you allowed yourself to go ahead and “lean into” your pain. Surely there’s a higher purpose in pain. If nothing else, it causes us to care.
My love to you.
Heartfelt post. I appreciate your openness.
I’m a late discoverer of Philip Yancey. I JUST finished “The Jesus I Never Knew” this very morning. It’s a game changer.
May your head be lifted up in due time. I heard someone say that sometimes the best gifts come in the ugliest packages. May your fog be such a gift.
The sun is on the rise. I must go pour forth another cuppa.
C
Someone has said (and I can’t remember where) that pain is our friend. I don’t exactly think i can agree with that but in some ways it is true. Pain can be/is a teacher. Good post robin.
.-= bill (cycleguy)´s last blog ..No Power =-.
Beautiful post Robin! I have been praying for you and I thank you for your prayers for me too! I am slowly seeing answered prayers here… an amazing thing He does for us! I am glad you are sharing your steps in this process! Hugs!
.-= Chele´s last blog ..I have moved to The Bona Fide Life =-.
Beautiful post Robin! I have been praying for you and I thank you for your prayers for me too! I am slowly seeing answered prayers here… an amazing thing He does for us! I am glad you are sharing your steps in this process! Hugs!
Wow. My first reaction is: You HAVE to let yourself feel! My second reaction is: I try to dam up my pain the same way. Push through, keep going, be strong, until it all comes crashing down around me. Sometimes I think I can think positive things about Phil (it hurts to write his name for anyone else to read, I don’t know why, it just does) instead of crying over him, but I end up staving off several simple cries until I build up to a breakdown. It is silly of me and I know I shouldn’t do it, but I do. I try to remind myself it is human to hurt sometimes, but it is my nature to ‘buck up’ and keep going. That can be good, but it can be terribly self-destructive, too. I think I sometimes end up being more emotional because I’m carrying around too much! Sometimes God sends something before I get to the melting point to remind me that grief is natural and I need at times to allow myself to feel how much I miss my brother. It is hard, isn’t it? Knowing how to balance the toughening up with the melting down? 🙂
I love you so much, Robin. Thank you for being strong enough to open your heart and teach us through your life and pain. I am praying for you.
.-= Anita´s last blog ..Weigh In Wednesday: Literary Immersion II =-.
Anita, I know exactly what you’re saying. I’m so sorry about your brother. We lost our third child–a fullterm baby boy. I couldn’t say his name for a while. I avoided seeing anything baby blue. I also felt I had to be the “perfect griever”–like there’s a such thing. In order to rush through grieving, I think stuffing it triggered a major depression years after Robbie died.
Bill, I love that quote too. I found it in The Inward Journey, by Gene Edwards. He says, “Thank you, friend pain.”
I know what you are saying my friend. Outsiders grieve and feel bad that you are in pain, but sometimes the best growth occurs when it hurts the most. take care and keep us posted on your journey.
Suzanne
.-= suzanne´s last blog ..Oh my goodness…..check this out!! =-.
Robin:
Beautiful and heartfelt post. Zen masters talk about “leaning into the sharp points” as a metaphor for embracing the pain, experiencing it deeply, and ultimately integrating it into the path.
I wish that for all of us:)
.-= Kayla´s last blog ..Skirt to wear with Red Cowboy Boots =-.
Think of it as being a trauma patient in the trauma room receiving spiritual intensive care. Not much you can do except let the Great Physician work His divine healing.
I am sorry about your pain. I’m going through some myself right now but I won’t let it destroy me. I’ve posted some archived messages of Beth Moore’s on my blog.
You might find some Intensive Care tips there.
Praying…
.-= twinkle´s last blog ..Beth Moore Archive Messages From Life Today =-.
HI there….can I just say I am so impressed by your honesty….they say that depression is anger turned inwards…I really believe this for the most part….it is not good to hold things in…”stuff them down” etc…I do know that Jesus is our sidekick through all trials and tribulations….and always recall….this soon will pass….and it does. HUGS to ya! Cherry
.-= cherry´s last blog ..Feeling sooo Blessed =-.
Good Morning! Just wanted to say I picked up the book Shattered Dreams from our church resource center. Just beginning to read it. Thanks for suggesting it.
Kindly, ldh
.-= ldh´s last blog ..Happy Birthday, First Born! =-.
“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up.”
– Anne Lamott
I just found this quoote and thought it might help. I know what you mean about “the fog” as you describe it. But I also think GOOD things come from pain….we just have to figure out how we can get through it, the best way for OURSELVES….. I am praying for you. Pinky