I’m linking today to Beautiful Life over at Inspired Rooms…because a beautiful life doesn’t always have to be a happy…
I spent the day with one of my favorite blog-now in-person peeps on Monday. There were four of us there and after a bit of chatting the conversation got a little deeper. A little more “real”. All of us coming from different places and all of us dealing with little things…or maybe even big things. At one point I think I laughed out loud as it occurred to me that sometimes in the Wonderful World of Blog everything is great…beautiful…fun…exciting…happy!!! But it’s not always that way is it?
I can’t tell you how many unpublished drafts I have that were uncomfortable for me to write and I thought too uncomfortable for someone to read. I love dropping in on beautiful blog homes and coming away inspired. I so want encourage any Sweet One that visits All Things Heart and Home. But I have to confess Peeps…sometimes I’m not as real as I’d like to be. Like now. For the past 32 days (who’s counting!?) I’ve been on a very difficult journey. I’ve done some yelling. Some crying. Some shutting down. But I didn’t want to be a downer to all of you so I put on my “everything is great” face everyday. My sweet new friends helped me remember that life is not always perfect and that’s okay. Now I promise I’m not going to start being a downer but occasionally I’m going to tell you when things are tough for me. And right now, things are tough.
(If If you’re in a bit of a battle right now I’d love for you to leave a comment with a prayer request, even if it’s unspoken. I strongly believe that pain has a purpose. And sometimes it’s necessary…I know, this isn’t a popular belief. Anyhoo, it would be my honor to pray for you specifically if you choose to leave a comment. If you’re in a happy place YAY!!! I love it when I’m in a happy place. Relish every moment and send up a prayer for someone who’s hurting…
Here’s a draft I wrote about 3 weeks ago, I really didn’t plan on publishing it but it’s my heart right now and this little corner of the blog world is called All Things Heart and Home…
Sometimes I feel a tremor in my universe. Perhaps a redirection. Maybe a tiny truth I’ve been missing. Something…what is it? Just outside of my grasp…and I stop, drop and role…so to speak.
Emotionally, physically and mentally everything grinds to a halt. (Heck, let’s throw in spiritually too.) Right after the “tremor” I can see it rolling in, there in the distance and before I know it I’m under a blanket of …something. I shut down and I freeze. Or maybe just go into slow (deliberate) motion…
It rolled in last week. Something or the other came out of left field…not true, it came from inside, anyhoo, it’s familiar for me so I did what I always do… I started to batten down the hatches.
Here’s how that looks (for me)…I turn off the television and the radio and let the quiet of the house seep into me for hours at a time. I don’t talk. It’s probably a good thing The Husband is really tired when he gets home…
I go one day without eating anything, sipping lemon water and loving the feeling of being empty inside. I think more clearly sometimes without thoughts of food.
Then one day I bake. Cookies this particular day. And I let myself be comforted by the step by step instructions. I feel more ordered when I add the flour into the buttery sugary mixture. I’m utterly mesmerized by the simple action of folding semi sweet chunks of chocolate into thick caramel colored dough.
I read…read and read and read. Reading is my escape. My mental visit into someone else’s life. Sometimes I get answers there…right in the middle of a good story. Right in the middle of someone else’s life…God speaks to me that way on occasion…but don’t fret…
I also take time with God. Ask questions and try to listen. I journal. Read my Bible.
And, I exercise. All by myself at the gym, without looking anyone else in the eye I expend all the energy I have. I sweat a lot and tire my muscles until they shake when I lift the water bottle to drink. Then I come home and shower and pile the pups into the bed smack in the middle of the day and take a nap.
And sometimes I cry. Just a good long sobbing cry.
And each day I wake and hope the fog will be gone. But as of the time I’m writing this, it still weighs heavy on me. I’ve always had these times and although it’s not always been this way, I’m fortunate now, that I have the luxury of downtime. To be able to pause. Without having to go to work or taxi little ones around. I always come away from these time-outs with something I needed to begin with.
It is what it is, oh how everyone loves to say this…but it’s true.
It is what it is.
I know from experience that “what it is” will pass. Burn off, like thick, heavy early morning fog leaving me with fresh vision and pristine crystal clear focus. But for now it’s foggy in my world and I’m low on energy and motivation…say a prayer for me if you think of it…that the fog will clear.
Love to you today Peeps.
But when the fog clears, the sun will be so glorious you’ll have to shade your eyes. You’ll catch a hint of bright yellow/gold rising up one morning. Unexpectedly. It’ll be as though it’s your very first sunrise. The colors will take your breath away. You’ll cry because of it’s beauty.
I have quiet prayer requests this morning.
My love to you.
Love this Jewles…I’m praying for your quiet requests today…love
Thank you for trusting us in sharing this side of you. In my forties I am finding I have these “spells” on occasion. While I think hormones may be at the base of it, the mental and emotional aspects of it are coming from some other place. I always say the light is only half-bright on these days! (fog)
Sweet friend, my mother-in-law always says “and this too shall pass.” Praying for you to be out of its grip shortly! Would you pray for my dear mother-in-law today? She has battled cancers for years. I’ve lost track of the wigs she has worn with grace, and the positive attitude she has always maintained. But with this latest battle I sense a shift. She is cleaning house, spending time with us all and slowing down. We’re on a new journey and I’d treasure your prayers for this very, very private but special woman.
.-= Vicky´s last blog ..The Birthday Wish. =-.
(Happy Birthday Sweet Pea~ The hormone this is oh so real and I believe that God uses those darn hormones to carry us into places we’ve avoided until “such a time as this”…
I’ll pray for you sweet mom in law and for each and every one of those who love her … holding you and yours close as you travel this road.
Beautifully written. 🙂
C
Thank you for sharing! It seems to me that some people don’t want to know if one is struggling with something or having a hard time! I know…the last year 2 years I can say have been the worst in my entire life! The journey inward is a struggle but I know that with God I will reach the end with Him. My husband reminded me this week that what I sow in tearsI will reap with joy. I will pray for you! I need prayer for restoration of my life and who I am in Him, for the life I had before is now gone and I need a new picture of what is the new normal for me. Love and blessings.
Dani
Dani…I will be praying for you. I have a feeling that many women and men our age(I think I’m older than you but you know what I mean…) go through a transition of sorts…very painful but very necessary. And I agree that people don’t want to know. It’s very popular in and out of the church to ignore, run from, pretend or just numb the pain. I’m all for that mindset except…it doesn’t work. It’s not real. Pain is a necessary part of life. Might as well embrace it and let God work through it…love to you~and prayers
“The Fog” is something that affects each of us in different ways and is triggered by different events. Perhaps it is a sound, or smell, or place but “The Fog” is conjured up. It is during these times that we draw nearer to God, seeking Him and His answers, comfort, and strength. Thank you for sharing this very intimate part of yourself. Prayers and blessings, SusanD
.-= SusanD´s last blog ..Thankful Thursday – 7/16/09 =-.
Susan…the fog does draw you nearer to God…the fog is painful but oh so necessary. I don’t believe He wastes our pain…somehow, some way, there’s purpose in the pain.
I truly understand “the fog” I’m there right now. Hard to move forward, don’t want to think of the past, so I just stay here. The more I do the more I see needs done. I too find reading helps me get through this funk. I believe women go thru these phases at points -normally in their lives, suffering in silence. Luckily because of the web, women are talking about things that our mothers kept to themselves, so thank you for bearing your soul, there are many of us that get up everyday and put the happy face on even though inside we aren’t…Jo
Jo~ isn’t it amazing how connecting online can be a strong force in our lives? I will pray for you on your journey that God will reveal His plan to you and bring you joy in His time…
My friend Ruthie is always reminding me, Life is a journey…not a destination.
Prayers and hugs my friend.
Oh my, I absolutely LOVE your blog more and more everyday! I am actually in the process of a name change, new site, etc because of this real thing you are talking about. It is very important for me to see the real life! I absolutely love reading blogs that are real… real ups and downs. God is good but we are human and have our times in this cruel world. That is what friends are for. To be there for each other through the ups and downs! Oh I could go on about this but I’ll stop here. I will surely be praying for you. And as the prayer request for me, we have that same kind of fog… financially… except it is always there and we can’t even get the bills paid in time. It’s makes us so tired with lack of motivation too. Fear sets in as well. I would appreciate prayers just like you would. God is good and He always come through. He wants to be able to shield us but we have to be willing….
.-= Chele´s last blog ..Thirsty Thursday – Faithfulness =-.
Chele~ Thank you for the encouragement…really.
We have soooo been right where you are and in this economy it wouldn’t take much to put us right back there.
I will pray for you and yours to be encouraged and to be able to see a glimpse of God’s Hand in your circumstances…He’s working but sometimes it’s slow and behind the scenes and just a glimpse of His plan will give me the boost of faith I need to keep the faith…love and hugs~
i’m so proud of you. and i love you so very, very much.
i am someone who craves being there for other people… i want to be the listener, the helper, the giver. i am so sad when i find out someone has gone through something alone that i could have walked through with them. but i am just now finally learning to let others walk with me as well… i know it’s hard to do, but i’m learning that in letting others see it all I’m actually helping them as well. you are helping so many by speaking your truth and letting people not feel alone … and you’re letting us be closer friends as we pray for you and really “see” you. i love that. thank you.
my mom has struggled with depression for many years… and many of those years were unspoken and unsettled growing up. now that i can bring it up to her when necessary, talk to her about it, give her encouragement to get up and moving… it makes a difference. speaking the truth brings the light back, keeping it in the dark only produces more darkness.
i’m looking forward to seeing the light with you soon.
.-= gitz´s last blog ..Missing Me =-.
Gitz…have I told you today how very much I love you? Hugs Sweetie and thank you for understanding me and praying…
This couldn’t have come at a better time. I am STRUGGLING right now with a BIG FOG, a very sad situation and even though I have dealt with this particular problem before, I am stuck on what to do. I am praying about it and trying to listen to what God will tell me to do. Please say alittle prayer for me and I will do the same for you. Love, P
Oh Pinky I am praying for you … Asking God to meet you right where you are, nose to nose and give you clear direction. And I’ll keep praying…love and hugs.
This same little conversation about everything being “great” in blog land has not left my mind – keep swirling it around and around. Was actually going to process and write something too, but was chickening out a little. You’ve said it so well, I think I may need to follow through on this as well. May steal a few of your words if you don’t mind.
As for prayer, yes, we talked about one in particular and I so appreciate your prayers for me. Know that I too, will be praying for you sweet friend.
Love and Hugs!
Vane
Vane, you’ve no idea how much our conversation meant to me. I just turned a corner and made up my mind to quit pretending all the time. I’m not going to start whining but I have to be more real…it was a God-moment. Thank you.
You can have anything you want from my “perspective” if you write this on your blog~
I’m praying for you and consider it an honor to do so…love you~
I know one thing for certain (cannot say that about very many anythings…) It takes so much energy to pretend and wear a fake persona…..even painful.
One reason it is so hard to allow God full reign to work in my life is I am trying really hard to hold it together and be ok…..and Jesus wants to remove all the scabs it took so long to form…once the bleeding has stopped….and clean me up from the inside out….
Jeremiah 31:3b-4a
Sharon…so true…it does take so much energy to pretend. And it’s painful for God to clean us up from the inside. But I’m learning pain isn’t always bad…sometimes it’s down – right necessary…love to you. You know I’m praying.
I’m so excited about this new move to get real in blog land! I’ve been afraid to get into my own personal blog because my world isn’t always beautiful, lovely, organized and inviting.
Been fighting this thing you call fog since October. Haven’t let myself experience it before. Didn’t know how to descibe it. I have always worn the “everything is wonderful” mask. It is so exhausting. No one but God and I know how empty the last 10 months have felt. Believing Him that true joy is coming and soon. I love you and thanks for your transparency.
I will be praying for you Darlene, that God would open your eyes to what He’s doing in you and that joy would return soon…in the mean time be kind to yourself~ Hugs.
you should write from your heart more often because that is absolutely gorgeous!!! it was written with such feeling that i felt like i traveled the emotional battle with you.
you’re always such an inspiration to me that sharing a prayer request here… my self-esteem has been taking a beating lately… all self-imposed of course. thanks for sharing your heart i’ll be praying for you as well.
.-= brandiandboys´s last blog ..Country Girl Roots =-.
Brandi…love to you Sweetie. You and yours are in my prayers so often…now I know better how to pray. Hugs.
Thank you for being real. So strange, don’t know what led me to your website, but here I am and it brought me relief to know that everything is not so perfect in blogland all the time. Your words are appreciated and I will keep you in my prayers (I am a true prayer warrior!)
.-= Alyssa´s last blog ..Moving On Up… =-.
Thank you for your prayers Alyssa.
I have ‘The Fog’ too, only I call mine a ‘Little Black Cloud’. It arrives without warning and follows me everywhere. Sometimes for a few days; usual a week or so. And then it’s gone. And I can never work out if I did something to make it go or if it just got bored and decided to follow someone else for a while. Thank you for putting that feeling into words and making it ok to be real.
Hey B~ Thanks for sharing that you have the “fog” aka “Little Black Cloud” too…always helps to know others understand.
I have read your post and all of the comments and not once did I see anyone mention seeking professional help for your depression. I have experienced the fog of depression and usually every winter I also deal with a mild case of SAD, “seasonal affective disorder”. Why not seek the help of a physician? Don’t get me wrong, I am all for praying to God for help, and searching for relief through him, but come on people! It is OK to go the doctor. God not only gives us pain to deal with, but he also gives us STRENGTH. The strength to know when we cannot fight some things alone. The strength to climb out from under the stigma of depression. The strength to ask for help.
May you find relief from your fog. I have been there, and this too shall pass.
.-= Stephanie´s last blog ..A Beautiful Life =-.
Stephanie, thank you for your comment and concern. I completely agree that professional help is often times needed for depression. I’ve certainly been there in the past but this is not (at this point) what’s needed.( I wouldn’t reject medical care for a physical problem and feel the same about physiological issues.)
Feeling less than good isn’t popular these days, but I think sometimes it’s okay, even necessary to feel pain or hurt or (even) depression. I relate it to physical pain, if we didn’t feel the terrible burn we’d never understand to keep our hand off the stove. Pain is sometimes necessary.
your post is wonderful
you made me tear up with your response… thank you!
.-= Chele´s last blog ..Friday’s Blessings =-.
Thank you for putting your heart into this post.
I know what you mean about wanting to keep things
light and upbeat but who believes that any of us
never struggle. I believe that if we want our blogs
to minister we have to be somewhat transparent.
You have done this very beautifully.
I’ll pray that your “fog” lifts and that you come out
renewed.
Becky K.
Hospitality Lane
.-= Becky K.´s last blog ..Simple and Inexpensive Beauty =-.
Praying for you! I am one who suffers the “Baby Blue’s” after the birth of my babies. It’s a horrible feeling. But, it is a feeling! I moved away from home to be with my college sweetheart. So, when my boys were born I didn’t have family and close friends to share in my joys and sadness. Crazy what a rush of homones and lack of sleep can do to a normally pretty happy person. My mom wasn’t much help after my first son was born. My dad kept telling me to take a bubble bath…good grief…lol. But, after the birth of my second son. My mom said something pretty profound. “It is normal to be sad.” That’s why we have so many different levels of feeling. It’s part of being a human being. Our society just doesn’t normally accept that. We like to mask the pain and pretend everything is perfect. But, being real is so much better. I jumped out of the “baby blue’s” once I accepted them as part of the process. Surrounding myself with my new friends and family nearby. I hope the fog doesn’t last long. But, I’m glad you have a good perspective on why you may be in your fog.
Thank you again for your transparency. My girls and I call it “the fog” too. We use many of the same tactics to make our way through. Not fun but I am so thankful that it always passes…eventually. Almost on the other side of one now. Thank you for your prayers. You are such a good “blog” friend:) I am praying for you!
.-= Erika Chapman´s last blog ..Grab Bag =-.
Robin, Your Grandmother would say, ” Honey, it is called the change of life” That was her excuse for everything and her generation’s excuse for everything that a women felt that they didn’t feel comfortable with. Unfortunately she did not live to be as old as you are now, and what did she know about the “change of life” she was too young!!! So go with the change, it’s not so bad really, I like it and I just turned 60, and it feels good! Love you and miss you sooo much. Aunt Toni
Robin I can’t figure out how I missed this. I am glad you linked to it. I am so sorry to have missed such a tender and important expression from you. I am printing so I can read it off screen.
Love to you.
.-= Anita´s last blog ..I’m Going to Mess Up! =-.
I love this….love the raw honesty. I think that it is sometimes hard for me to blog because I have a happy blog. I am afraid that people might run away if they saw it all lol.
My struggle seems really silly and most of the time it is totally under control. Then, out of the blue it raises its ugly head.
I am afraid that no one is ever going to love me or be my mate. I have been divorced for 16 years and I miss having a hand to hold….hearing someone breathing in the night.’
And I know all about God’s timing and that I am never truly alone. I know I Know I KNOW but sometimes that does not help.
Holding you and your precious memories of your mom up today.
.-= Mindy´s last blog .. =-.
Hi Robin i love your blog it is so inspiring. I am going through a bit of a crisis at the moment well this moment has been going on for 2 years. We lost our business with the result we have to sell our house which would it seems solve all our financial worries but GOD has other plans what they are i do not know. I just know i have to trust HIM .Our house has not sold even though we have put the price down twice we cant go further down as we have to pay the banks and you know what they are like. We have a house in Italy which has a mortgage also i cant plan anything until the house is sold and i am a planner i find that the hardest thing that i don’t know were i will be living next year ? what country? or if i will even have a house i am completely dependent on GOD i just have to accept that. These last few years have been such learning years spiritually,emotionally,mentally i am a better person for it but if i could have learn t another way i would have.My faith has kept me going i have some very dark days and nights i have to believe GOD has a good plan for me even if i cannot see it. I will keep you in my prayers as i know GOD is talking to me through you GOD BLESS you keep up the good work DONNA say a prayer for me.
I can`t say more than THANK you for this post! It helped, a lot!!
.-= Sandra´s last blog ..Uuups! =-.