The phrase, “Things I thought I knew for sure” started showing up in my journal over and over in the past few years. The older I get the longer the list …
One of those things is death. I grew up in a Christian home and went to church every Sunday. But I don’t remember exactly where I got the notion that death would be an easy transition for a Christian. That notion was I thought, based firmly in scripture…” Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death is your victory? Where, O death is your sting…”(1 Corinthians 15:54-55)
I naively believed that Christian’s had a sort of insurance policy. Not only do we stay out of hell and have a good (mostly) easy and very fulfilled life but when it was time for death it would be a gentle transition. An easy transition for you and a sort of low key rejoicing taking place by those you left behind.
Although I never put it into words that was in fact my bottom line.
But in a 9 year span I lost my gramma, my little brother and my mom. During this time I had to face something…death has a sting. A heart piercing horrific sting. Even for the Christian.
Gramma was 82 years old and had lived a full and pretty wonderful life. She passed away rather suddenly after a few days in the hospital. Her passing was peaceful with her family standing around her bed singing praise songs and praying. But I have a vivid memory of walking down the hospital corridor the too bright lights reflecting on the shiny floor and thinking how empty the world felt without her in it and how there was a pitch black hole inside me. I was so shocked that I didn’t feel more joy at her being set free from her aged body. I thought it would feel different…the death of a saint. More hopeful perhaps.
I wrestled with my new reality of death in the months after Gramma left and ended up adjusting my “bottom line” a little.
Then a few months later, my little brother’s cancer came back. David was only 19 when he was diagnosed with Ewings Sarcoma. He fought a long hard battle, but had been cancer free for a few years.
Within a year he was rapidly declining and finally let go of life on this side of eternity. It was a warm starless night, we had been keeping vigil at the hospital for days and once again our shrinking family shuffled down a too bright hospital corridor feeling defeated and barely alive ourselves. The pain of David’s death was excruciating and made more intense by watching my parents suffer. And suffer they did. I’ve never experienced it, but I feel certain there’s nothing that comes close to the horrific pain of losing a child.
I remember my mom’s phone calls in the months that followed, sometimes this Godly woman with more faith than anyone I’ve ever known would ask me…do you think there’s really a heaven? I can’t picture him there? I don’t know for sure where he is right now. I need to know for sure.
She worked through her doubts and fears but I can honestly say she never truly recovered from the loss. As for me, try as I might, I couldn’t reconcile my beliefs on death with my experiences. I continued to repeat all the things I’d been taught to my mom.
While she walked the razor’s edge that is grief I tried to encourage her with things like: “Be thankful that he’s happy now. He’s better off. You’ll see him again…soon”. Although laced with truth the phrases rang a bit hollow. One of those phrases though, proved to be truer than I dreamed possible, “You’ll see David again soon…” was nothing if not prophetic…
Part 2 tomorrow…this was just too long to put into one day Peeps…
~love to you today~
I am at a loss for words Robin. I can feel your hurt but honestly just don’t know what to say. I have lost my grandparents (one to cancer & the other to age). I have lost both my in-laws (my f-i-l was devastating). My mom died of cancer in ’04 but I knew her desire and heart. But I haven’t experienced the depth of loss you have felt. I can only tell you that I am praying for you (every day as you know). Love and hugs your way today.
.-= Bill (cycleguy)´s last blog ..Apologies, Repentance & Forgiveness =-.
Bill, friend, it sounds like you’ve been through so much loss. As a pastor I imagine you’ve walked some dark paths with people. It’s not a fun subject and I used to run from people who had looked such great loss square in the eye. But not so much anymore. love and hugs and prayers right bk at ya!
Your comment luv is about 2 posts/days behind. FYI
.-= Bill (cycleguy)´s last blog ..Apologies, Repentance & Forgiveness =-.
God has given you the gift of writing and with that gift you touch the depth of our souls. We all feel such despair when our loved ones leave us we just can’t express that pain. Can you imagine the pain our Lord must have felt when his Only Son died?
How very much pain indeed.
Wow , well you have me hooked and it gives me something to read tomorrow. May God’s wrap around you and keep you safe!! Thanks for sharing a tremendously difficult experience! I too have lost a child……sometimes I think I was lucky she was only 3 months old but still I know alittle about what your mother must have felt. Not all , but alittle! Thanks again for sharing, very encouraging watching your letters dance onthe page. God is good!
AmyD
Amy, I’m so sorry you’ve lost a precious baby. I have a granddaughter and I know at 3 months old we were totally and madly in love with her and so many of our hopes for the future rests in her smile. Your loss is tremendous. love to you Sweetie.
Okay, Robin….I used your grandmother’s line about John Wayne in my dad’s eulogy because he was such a John Wayne hmself….
I ended it talking about a friend whose grandma said…things haven’t ben the same since that man died -and said that was how we all would feelabout my dad. it was bittersweet.
It is so painful reading about these experiencesyou have suffered. I am so proud of you for making it to the othe side…..xxo
Debi…wasn’t that the best thing that Gramma said? She said that just 24 hours before she left us, it was like God put words around our deep loss. love to you Friend.
Robin,
I can’t wait to read the rest of your story. I have been dealing with death recently and have been having a very hard time. I actually got mad at God. My feelings are getting better. I am not mad at God anymore. The deaths were not in my family, but friends (a 3 yr. old with cancer, and a 44 yr. old beautiful woman who had suffered with cancer for 4 yrs.) I know that we as humans are selfish and don’t want our loved ones to leave us, but I just don’t like it. The minister said at my friends service last night that, “Cancer did not take her life, it gave her life”. If we believe in heaven then what he said is true. I know that we don’t belong here on this earth, we are only passing through, but I wish there was a less painful way of getting to heaven. God Bless you and all who have lost loved ones.
P. S. I pray by name for people. My list for parents who have lost children keeps getting longer. And you know what, a lot of those parents are young and lost little children. So sad.
Julie…you’ve no idea how long I waited to post this. Who wants to read about death…but there are seasons in our lives when we’re faced with it. And I thought maybe someone may be in that season.
Your anger is completely normal, even if it wasn’t your own family member, there’s a grieving process and anger is of course a part of grieving.
I’m so sorry about the tiny girl and the beautiful friend of yours…while it’s so true what the pastor said, it sometimes takes time to get to the point of absorbing that truth. I would think especially with your own child.
And I’m with you Sister, I sure wish there were an easier way to get from this side of eternity to the next…hugs Sweet Friend.
You aren’t afraid of honesty. I love that. And surely He knows our doubts and fears before we even admit them. So many of us nod as we read your thoughts. Praying for you as you dig deep and write real.
Jewles, as you know girlfriend…not only am I afraid of honesty, I’m afraid of almost everything …love you
That was heartbreaking Robin. I think the older we get and the more we experience all the different stings this life brings, the more questions we all have. I think some things we will never understand. We must just rest in Him, as hard as that can be sometimes, we just rest in Him.
Like that old hymn reads:
Tempted and tried, we’re oft made to wonder
Why it should be thus all day long
While there are others living about us
Never molested though in the wrong
When death has come and taken our loved ones
It leaves our home so lonely and drear
Then do we wonder why others prosper
Living so wicked year after year
Farther along we’ll know all about it
Farther along we’ll understand why
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine
We’ll understand it all, by and by
Faithful ’til death, said our loving Master
A few more days to labor and wait
Toils of the road will then seem as nothing
As we sweep through the beautiful gates
Farther along we’ll know all about it
Farther along we’ll understand why
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine
We’ll understand it all, by and by
amen Velvet, trying to understand some things now is like trying to put the ocean in a coke bottle…it’s just too big.
There is something so comforting to one’s soul as when you read about your own emotions in someone else’s words. I’m hopefully coming out of a season like none I’ve ever gone through before. Lots of family illnesses and 3 brother-in-laws, 1 sister-in-law, 1 nephew and finally my dad’s death three years ago that I am absolutely sure I will never fully recover from. That does not mean that you don’t go on with life and have a wonderful, full life. It simply means that you wake up one morning and your life is one way and when you go back to bed that night or whenever, you life will never be the same again – ever. It may be great again, but it will never be the same. It’s an incredible lesson – and an incredibly difficult one. It teaches you some really good things though – 1) never tell a person you know how they feel unless you really do 2) never predict how you are going to react 3) and finally, understand that sometimes there simply are no words……….
Thank you, Robin, for finding the words…………
Suzanne, I’m so sorry for your tremendous loss. I so agree with you that you can have a wonderful life after loss. It’s just, I don’t know, taken down a notch as we focus more on what’s beyond our years on this earth.
I love your the 3 lessons you mentioned and I whole-heartedly agree my friend.
Robin,
So loved your words this morning…all I could think of while reading is how different it is to lose a loved one after we know the Lord. The grief without hope is too awful for words. I have experienced both, and am so thankful for the comfort that only Christ can give. As bad as the grief still is, can you imagine it without Him? I love you and miss you so bad it hurts.
Auntie Gail…you certainly know loss. And I know God gives comfort over and over as we grieve. I just had a more naive view on death that I believe is a little more balanced these days.
Robin,
Each time I think you cannot top yourself with your Blog you do. Needless to say, I feel like I could have written this myself. I too have experienced quite a bit of loss at a young age and what has hit me profoundly is I really thought it would get easier as I got older. I figured “practice makes perfect” right? I have had so much loss that certainly I can deal with this better than those that have experienced none…NOT. Even with faith, the longing, the loneliness and the simple fact that your life is just less fulfilling without that lost loved one just never seems to go away. I understand my friend, I truly do. However, God just replenish our lives with new blessings and new people every day and we must focus on the fact that it may nor FEEL very good sometimes for us, we KNOW we will see those we love again one day and until that time, they are safe in heaven and living the good life! Love you!
Lauren, very few people have experienced loss like you have. And I so value your thoughts on this, I agree that God does bless us w/ people to focus our love and affection on and truly I’m more and more thankful for those people the older I get…hugs and love to you and yours
Definitely will be coming back for part 2. I have never had anyone special die exept my grandparents and they lived in a different country and I barely ever saw them. I really only experienced the sorrow of death through how their death affected my mom.
.-= Raina´s last blog ..the weekend of redemption =-.
Raina, it’s so hard watching your mom grieve isn’t it? Hugs to my friend who knows how to live well…
So much loss, all around. I have lost both my parents, and Joe’s Mother, my Aunt who helped raise us and many friends. I have been with 4 people now when they died and it was a privelege for me, but I remember walking down the corridors with the too bright lights. In the middle of the night they are WAAAY too bright. I hope God never asks me to bury a child although the HARDEST funeral I ever attended was the still born son of VERY close friends, that was HORRIFIC. I will be back tomorrow for “the rst of the story” as Paul Harvey used to say. Love to YOU today! Pinky
Pinky…it is a privilege to be w/ someone when they leave this world … the cost for walking that journey is costly. But sacred. love u too my friend
good morning robin…. amazing post… i really don’t have any words… sending warm hugs your way….
? kim
.-= Kim Klassen´s last blog ..HBM…. =-.
Thanks for stopping by Kim…xoxo
Robin, I lost my father several years ago and am close to losing my mother. She is now 92 and I know that her time can not be far off. While the sting of death may be great for the survivors, I believe what the scripture is referring to is the victory and sting of death for the one who has gone on. Since Jesus conquered death the grave has no more victory because he rose again. He did not stay dead. He is living, therefore there is no victory. The sting of death for the true Christian, Mark 16:15,16, is gone because only happiness
lies ahead in eternal life with Jesus whose love is unfathomable. I am 47 years old now and I know the older I get the more I am anticipating that wonderful day when I will be with God forever. God bless you in your search for answers.
Faith, I hold to the promise that there’s more to this life. Thank you for sharing your understanding, it’s a truth I wish I’d had a firm grip on in the past. Hugs
Robin, I truly know your pain. I lost my youngest brother to complications with oral cancer when he was 48. It’s been almost 10 years, but I think of him almost every day. Last year I lost both of my parents. I lost my mom at age 91 in February and my dad on my mom’s birthday in November at age 92. They both lived long lives, but just this morning before I read your post, I was thinking about how much I would love to call my mom and tell her what is going on here and I started to cry. No matter how wonderful Heaven may be, I think we all have problems dealing with the loss of a close family member!
Judy…isn’t it amazing that in certain moments the tears are there and the loss is fresh…I still, after 4 years, ache to talk to my mom when something comes up in life that I know she needs to hear…Of course I believe she knows but I long to talk to her. Such a hard year last year losing both parents. I’m so sorry. hugs
hi robin …
sigh … this is a heavy one … and you are right … death stings …
and the tears that flow afterwards sting …
my very first real experience with a close death was when my brother was taken from us tragically and suddenly in an auto accident … he was 24 and i was 19 …
i kept wanting to honour him and keep him alive by living life fuller than full …
because he lived life that way …
the sting has never gone away ~ it isn’t as sharp, but it is still deep …
as i have aged, there have been more and more deaths and some days i wonder about it all … but it becomes clearer to me how much death is a part of living … how much more important it is to embrace the day before me …
i still weep uncontrollably when there is a loss ~ it hurts ~ it stings to know someone is experiencing that kind of pain …
i never thought the sun would shine again in a way that truly warmed me … but it has … i had to let it shine …
my dear dear dad passed away two years ago … and i have to say that i often shed a tear daily … but i try hard with every one of those tears to also have equal or more smiles … and to be kinder and gentler and be reminded of how love never dies, it just gets different … and we have to let it …
a quiet prayer for you and hugs for your heart from mine,
prairiegirl xo
.-= prairiegirl´s last blog ..flowers for friday ~ one of a kind =-.
PGirl…losing your brother suddenly must have taken all of you so very long to regain your footing in the world. I love your tribute to him…living a full life.
And I am so thankful when time allows tears over our lost loved one to be mixed with smiles over their memory…xoxo friend
Robin, you captured many of our hearts with this one. One just cannot really grasp the sting of death until they loose that special someone. I have had the opportunity to be around many individuals before and after death. I will have to say that one’s belief system that includes belief in afterlife certainly helps individuals deal with the issues connected to death. Thanks for sharing these thoughts and I pray that you have brought comfort to those who are dealing with death and I hope you have a peaceful day today.
.-= patsy´s last blog ..Free Book =-.
Belief in something more Patsy does indeed help in coping with our loss…hugs
“. . . so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” Romans 5:21
In Romans 5:12-21, Paul “is not saying merely that we have life for a time, after which life ends in death; nor is he aiming to explain the fact of such death. . . . What he is saying is rather that all that we call life . . . lies under the dominion of death. . . . Death rules supreme in this world. . . .” But since the resurrection of Christ “the new aeon has become actual fact in our world. Christ stands at the frontier between the two ages, outdating the old and blazing the way for the new. . . . In the new aeon, which burst upon man with the resurrection of Christ, life has come to dominion still more mightily.”
Anders Nygren, Commentary on Romans, pages 22-23.
This life we live is not life. This life is a living death. This whole world is ruins brilliantly disguised as elegance. Christ alone is life. Christ has come, bringing his life into the wreckage called us. He has opened up, even in these ruins, the frontier of a new world where grace reigns. He is not on a mission to help us improve our lives here. He is on a mission to create a new universe, where grace reigns in life. He is that massive, that majestic, that decisive, that critical and towering and triumphant.
We don’t “apply this to our lives.” It’s too big for that. But we worship him. And we boast in the hope of living forever with him in his new death-free world of grace.
Each passing of a loved one brings with it a whole new loss experience. They may be shades of the same kind of grief, but never the very same color. Your words ring true and “sting” is perhaps the most apt description I’ve heard in a long while. Walking this path with you in faith and love, will continue on the journey tomorrow…
.-= Vicky´s last blog ..The elephant… =-.
Vicky…I love your words: “They may be shades of the same kind of grief, but never the very same color…” so true my friend and so beautifully put.
Robin, I’m eager to read Part 2. I lost both of my parents and several extended family members in the past 10 years. I also lost my job, health insurance, and a steady income. No one ever said that the Christian life would be easy, but I think every struggle ultimately pulls us closer to God.
Be Blessed.
.-= Jean Fischer´s last blog ..Who’s That Ringing My Bell? =-.
Thanks for sharing opening with us…
death is hard I lost my first wife at 32 . my youngest almost died of cancer when he was 18 months,All my grand parents have past, I dont think loss of any loved one will ever be easy. just remember that [these things I have written to those who believe in the name of the son of God ,that you may KNOW that you have eternal life.] I believe Heaven is so awesome that when we get there its as if we have finally made it to where we have always belonged,I know this sound weird but I long to see my savior Jesus and all those that have gone before me .I miss them deeply but I just hang onto the promises of God . God bless you and hold Jesus close ,
Brad…gosh how long ago it seems that we were all so young and full of promise back at Rowland Hills … I had no idea all the pain that you’ve been through. I’m so sorry. With your tremendous loss comes experience and I so value what you’ve said and take it to heart. I love “when we get there (heaven) it’s as if we finally made it to where we have always belonged.”
I so understand longing for the other side of eternity, the more of my loved ones that go before me, the easier it gets for me to think about letting go of this world.
Thank you old friend for weighing in, your words brought encouragement.
Oh my. This post hit home with me– not because I’ve lost a lot of people but because my mom has. She began losing her loved ones when she was 17 with the loss of her mom (and she was so very a momma’s girl), then her “Big Daddy” who was her favorite man on Earth, next her dad when she was 19, and then so on until all that was left of her very large extended family (all by the time she was 21) was an aunt, a brother, and a sister. Once I was grown, and starting a family of my own she lost her aunt and then her aunt’s husband but the blow of all blows was when my 27 yr. old brother who still depended on her more than any of us got killed in a car accident on a beautiful November day. I write all this because my mother has never in my life been 100% happy and I could never understand it. She has always had a bitter streak lying just beneath whatever happiness she may be experiencing and only now that I have children of my own (I was 6 months pregnant with my first when my brother died) and a dread of losing my parents do I sort of get it. The underlying fear she must feel would smother me, I think. I only intended to have one child but she couldn’t stand the idea and insisted (almost angrily sometimes) that I had to have another one in case I lost him. My brother’s birthday was Feb. 4th and my mom ended up in the hospital with her heart in atrial fibrillation. His death was 12 years ago but it’s like her heart is truly broken and can’t be fixed. She has often told me that she won’t survive another loss like that.
I write all this to say, you are right, death does have a sting and for some it intensifies each time you lose someone –even if you have Christ in your heart. She has faith that the Lord is with her, but she struggles with finding happiness every day.
I’m sorry for the long comment– you just touched a very sensitive cord! :o)
Aimee…I am weeping as I read about your mom. Oh my heart just aches for her. There are some people who have experienced so much loss that I think it causes others to keep them at arms length. So your precious mom has most likely experienced the losses and the pain on so many different levels.
After we lost my little brother, Mom, who had always exuded strength and confidence became insecure about everyone she loved. She became so tender towards other hurting people and so vulnerable. I felt so often like I wanted my “old” mom back. The one that would help me solve all my problems, the one who wasn’t afraid…but like you said, loss changes a person.
I pray that God will wake your mom every morning with songs of healing and gentle nudges of joy. And I’ll keep praying for her broken heart.
Thank you so much for your comment. I consider it an honor to know something about your precious mother and an honor to be able to bring her to The Father in prayer…sending much love to you today Aimee…
When I stood in the Hospice room and watched my friend’s 11 year old daughter die, I will forever be haunted by her husband turning to her and asking, “Where did she go? Is she ok?” after Kate took her last breath. No matter how much we believe, sometimes in that moment it’s just more than our brains can manage.
.-= gitz´s last blog ..Oh, Good Gracious! =-.
Several months ago, I happened across a cute little t-shirt makeover project and, unbeknownst to the author, proceeded to weave myself into the fabric of her life. My artistic side having been asleep for several years, the only way to explain my return visits to ATHH, Robin, is your gift of balancing charm and raw honesty as you communicate your story through your projects and blogs. Today, this particular entry has found its way to me, and I am intrigued by the coincidence. (insert irony here- God may be on the hunt again)
I’m at four and a half years and counting of missing my (then) 10-year old daughter, Katie… lost to Ewing’s. Do I share your dear mother’s struggles, both philosophical and otherwise? Without a doubt. Do I feel like a failure to my 17-year old son and husband for not knowing true north any more, and for being more of a hindrance than a help in the healing department? More than anyone could imagine.
I hope to know at least some things for sure again one day… and maybe even to be a light once more for others. In the meantime, thank you for allowing your family to grant a legacy of hope to others who walk a similar path. Hugs to you and yours.
Sharon…oh dear one…sigh. I’m emailing you. pls keep an eye in on your spam in case I get dumped there. xo