This is part 2 …if you want, check out yesterday’s post for part 1…HERE
*********************************************************************
Just 5 years after David left, Mom would join him. She was only 65. She went into Saint Joes for a routine procedure and never left. We would keep a 4 day vigil there. She slipped away from us just before the last days of 2005 dissolved into a memory. Mom’s leaving, was the final blow…the things I thought I knew for sure about death were once and for all shattered.
The night she left us, the same doubts Mom had when we lost David haunted me… Where was she? Was there really a heaven? I can’t picture where she is.I need to know where she is…
It took months of hanging onto a weak thread of faith for me to settle in my heart that my mom was indeed where she always wanted to be…with Jesus. And with my brother David. I’d like to tell you it made all the difference in my view on death, but it didn’t. While comforted to a degree, four years later, I can be taken back to that hospital waiting room without a moments notice. The horror, the uncertainty and the vulnerability of her quick decline paralyze me all over again. I still ache to tell her things. I still hurt so deeply on some days that it shuts me down completely. Life without my mom in it … will never be the same. But that’s okay.
My view on death and dying will also never be the same. I’ve revisited those verses in 1 Corinthians 15 many times since then. These days, I see a little more than the confidence of “death’s sting”being gone. Now I see in verse 54: “When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable…then the saying that is written will come true: Death has been swallowed up in victory.”
I believe the victory over death isn’t all about the here and now, it’s about the other side of this life. Eternity.
Coming to grips with this has been life changing on so many levels…
~Now, I can quietly hold someones hand instead of allowing “Christianese” to roll off my tongue in the face of loss. I have stopped trying to help someone move through the pain . These days, I just allow my own heart to feel some of that pain and cry along with them.
~Since my mom left this world, I’ve become more focused on living my legacy. I realized that whether we acknowledge it or not, the way we live today matters. It’s the way we’ll be remembered tomorrow.
~Also, people often marvel at our family being so demonstrative with affection for one another. We hug. We say I love you. A lot. We’re not stingy with affirmation. And when someone royally messes up…we support them. But we’ve experienced a bit of loss and without verbalizing it, we all seem less likely to take each other for granted. I honestly don’t know if we’d be this way without the loss.
And this is where I find myself on just another thing I thought I knew for sure…
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Yesterday the comments were straight from the heart. So much encouragement from those who have experienced so much loss. Thank you for sharing with me.
Love to each one who came back today for a not-so-cheerful subject…xoxo
I am reading your post through teary eyes,I lost my mum a few months ago
and I too am hanging on to my faith by a thread. I am also questioning where she is,is she with Dad, why dont I feel them near me I thought I would…It has left me wondering if there is anything else after death. I am constantly visited too by the last few months of her life and the difficulties we faced,wondering if we did the right things towards the end. Before my mother passed I was sure that there was something after death and now I’m not so sure ,of everyone I have lost it was her that I felt sure of feeling around me…but I dont and beleive me I have tried but I’m just not sure.
I found your blog by accident this morning and I’m glad I did thankyou for sharing your journey.
Karen
Karen…oh my heart is breaking for you. I’ve been right where you are and please know that I will hold you tenderly in prayer. I’m so sorry for your loss. Perhaps it was not accident you stumbled across this post Sweet One. (I’m going to email you.) Sending hugs and oh so much love your way.
Thankyou for sharing your deepest feelings on this subject. We recently lost my husband’s 67 year old mother, and yes, death is a very painful thing, even for Christians! Watching her lingering and painful death was so hard, but what a blessing to know she is well and happy now with her Savior. We miss her so much. She missed the birth of our second son by a few weeks.
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..A Vintage Treasure =-.
Jessica…I’m so sorry for you and your husband’s loss. 67 isn’t very old is it? I think one of the most difficult aspects about losing Mom has been missing her at my daughter’s weddings and the birth of my granddaughter. Love and prayers to your family …
Thanks again Robin for sharing your heart. I see two big things in this post (if I may comment). One, “now I can quietly hold someone’s hand instead of allowing “christianese” to roll of my tongue.” Amen and amen! Someone gets it! people hurting don’t need words; they need a hug and a hand. The folks at xxxchurch.com just suffered a loss (suicide) and I about choked on some of the “Christianese” that rolled off people’s pens in the comment section. But I digress. Two, people marvel at our family being so demonstrative… This is huge! Good for you guys!!! I believe many families are screaming out for this. Be an example as you are. Okay…time for this pastor to step down off his box. Love, hugs and a dangerous prayer said for you today.
.-= Bill (cycleguy)´s last blog ..Apologies, Repentance & Forgiveness =-.
Bill, as always I so value your perspective. I’ve come to trust you and hold you in such high regard. Thank you for weighing in. Can’t wait to talk about the Frances Chan book…Wow.
Robin!!! I’m not good with word like you are…….all I can say is your writing ALWAYS touches my heart. I’m so blessed that our paths have crossed, even if only virtually…….{hugs} you made me miss my Daddy this morning.
.-= TidyMom´s last blog ..The Perfect Snickerdoodle recipe =-.
Cheryl, I feel blessed too my friend. I’m sorry you’ve lost your daddy. Hugs right back…xoxo
Hugs…
Velvet…hugs right back at cha …
There’s so much Strength and Hope here. I love reading the comments of others, too. I just had a memory. Remember when Robbie died and you and Mike came to the graveside service? It was your expressions (both yours and Mike’s) that helped. Not your words because I don’t remember you saying anything. I know talked but you didn’t. Maybe that’s the greatest gift we can give–to not have any answers. To not even make an attempt to form a sentence. Just to be there and care. Wow. Big Truth.
Jewels … when that precious boy left this world it was you and Ricky that taught me so much about love and grief. At the time I’d never seen a man who was so vulnerable and so hurting step up and reach deep to find strength to take care of his wife and 2 tiny girls. I love you …gosh, give Rick a hug from me will ya?
Robin,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me and the rest of us out here. The older I get the more painful death is. My faith was shattered when a young couple recently lost their 3 yr. old son. There are just no words for that. I am continuing to work on my faith, and it’s people like yourself that help me through tough times, along with God, of course.
Julie, prayers for you as you come to deeper faith through your pain…
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. You bring on a wave of emotions and feelings but as one who is yet to face these family deaths it is reminding me to be wary of what I think I know. It is so easy to stand on what we think we know until those are taken from us. What is really weird(you are starting to freak me out a bit), my search of affirmations has had me in 1 Corinthians 15 the past two days, how weird is that? But all I know for “kind of” sure today was from the affirmation from Verse 1: “I have received the gospel and I stand on it and I am saved by it.” I love your honesty as it reminds me of what I wrote from Verse 10: ‘By the grace of God I am what I am.” Robin, I am thankful for the you who is brave enough to question and to share. You are who you are and you have chosen to unselfishly love those still in your path. Which brings me to the affirmation from Verse 31: “I die daily. “Maybe in this we die to our fleeting feelings when he replaces “me” with His life giving spirit(vs 45). I can promise I know I do not understand any of this. But hope to learn today from your example to flee from Christianese and share His love that is way beyond my understanding. I know I don’t know but I just gotta stand on it best I can. With friends and love there is hope.
Tom…your daily affirmations kinda freak me out too! I have felt God nose to nose with me speaking through them. I’m ever thankful that you listen to The Father every morning.
And really it gives me such security to know that we serve a big God who’s not intimidated and angry when we ask questions. I figure He knows my questioning heart already and wants to open my eyes to answers I haven’t thought of yet…
And no kidding Friend, today I’m hanging onto : “with friends and love there is hope”.
It’s comforting to hear someone else struggling with the “I have to know where she is” afterwards… I have never questioned my faith, and still don’t feel like I am, but after losing someone so close to you….. it’s a deep need to SEE that they are safe, and happy, and… well…. there. Somewhere. I have those thoughts so very often. Thank you for these posts, they are very touching indeed.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..I Might Be Weird. =-.
Dawn, thank you for telling me you’ve had those thoughts too. I so believe God’s okay with the questions and gently brings assurance in the most unique ways. Hugs
I am so humbled, I have not experienced anything like you and the other people who have posted. I feel almost inappropriate in posting. Honestly, I don’t want to experience it, but know that I will sooner than I want, and pray that your words will be remembered and that I will some how allow myself to feel the pain, still love God and believe they are in a better place.
Thank you for sharing your pain, your struggle, your heart, and the place that you are today. I love you my precious friend.
Ruthie I’m so glad you haven’t experienced these things. Love to you Sweet Friend.
Thank you. I will. Keep going with this heart writing. This is you. This is your voice.
Came back, read again, and felt again, like I was reading my own story. My dad had surgery and things went terribly wrong and three weeks later, at Christmas, he was gone. There are still memories from those days that will hit me for no apparent reason and threaten my very existance in that moment.
But……after making it all about me again…….it isn’t and I am so grateful that you have platform to share your heart and minister to so many. Your timing is definitely at God’s design as the comments show that your words are just what so many need to read. May God bless you and encourage you as you walk through these dark moments yet once again in order to bring healing to others.
Suzanne…I can’t believe your dad’s story is so similar to my mom’s. I’m so achingly sorry you had to lose him like that. Please don’t ever be afraid to make it about “you”. Day after day it’s my joy to get to know everyone. I pray constantly that if He wants to … He’ll use something I write to encourage and uplift and hug on someone. Your sweet words to me mean the world. Thank you.
Again…hugs Friend and prayers.
Robin, You are such an inspiration to so many. I have never met you, but receive your blog in my email every morning and look so forward to reading it. Through all the ups and down remember how many lives you have touched and continue to on a daily basis through the magic of the internet. I hope you can feel all the love and support that is coming to you and that it makes your heart smile. God’s love to you.
Faith, we haven’t met in person, but now we’re friends. I’m looking forward to getting to know you, I’m so humbled already by your encouraging words. You’ve no idea how much they mean to me. xoxo
I am both emotionally drained and encouraged as I wade my way through all these emotion-laden comments. My heart aches to feel the pain behind the words of all who have suffered such recent losses. “Christanese…” That is the term that has eluded me… and that is exactly what we do.
I think you’ve given voice to a topic so many are reluctant to share about and yet its so healing for us to know we aren’t walking this path alone. Thanks for daring to go there with compassion and the wisdom of someone who has traveled this path. Hugs to you!
.-= Vicky´s last blog ..The elephant… =-.
Vicky…isn’t it true? So many have hurt so deeply. And some are walking that journey right now. I’m drawn in. I don’t want to walk past someone whose heart is broken, oblivious to their pain.
My tender-hearted friend, I know you feel deeply too. Love you to the moon…
robin, thank you again… each time i stop in a feel like i am leaving with a gift…and for that i say again…thank you…
i especially love the part about just being with someone in their grief.. very powerful…
love to you…today…xxo, kim
.-= Kim Klassen´s last blog ..HBM…. =-.
Kim, I feel that way when I visit your blog and your inspiring photostream on flickr. …hugs to you my talented friend.
Robin, I came back today 🙂
Thanks so much for sharing this. Sometimes, it’s the not-so-cheerful subjects that touch our hearts and draw us nearer to God. I always enjoy reading your blog, and I especially love your straight-from-the- heart posts, because I believe that God is speaking to someone through you.
.-= Jean Fischer´s last blog ..Who’s That Ringing My Bell? =-.
Jean…I’m ever amazed at the not-so-cheerful things so many are already feeling. Some days baking is just not quite enough… hugs Friend
Oh, this post came at a good time for me to read.
In the last two years (almost to the day) I have lost three of the most important women in my life. First, my grandmother died suddenly on January 28 of 2008. On the day we finished cleaning out her apartment at the retirement community, my Mother in Law called to tell me that she was going home from the hospital with hospice and had decided not to fight her cancer anymore. We sat vigil by her hospice bedside as cancer stole her from us a little at a time, and finally completely on March 10. The next year my beloved Nana was diagnosed with cancer and we’ve just finished another hospice situation, as she left us on February 1. We are all believers, and so I have heard a lot of the “Christianese” that you’re talking about (especially since we lost two pregnancies at 12 and 13 weeks in the midst of all of this).
I know that all that they say is true. They are at peace. They have achieved our ultimate goal. They are no longer in pain.
But I kept saying “What about me? what about the hole in my heart?” And while that is incredibly selfish, it is the plain truth. My tears are for the every day ache that lives in me: for phone calls I can’t make, hands I can’t hold, cards I won’t get or give– and in the case of my Mother in Law especially –a treasured babysitter I will never have. Death hurts –and I’m kind of thankful that it does, because that means that the love I had was real and tangible.
Most days are good and I can be thankful and rest in Him, but sometimes… sometimes you just need someone to hold your had and let you cry.
.-= Kether´s last blog ..Lessez les bons temps rouler! =-.
Oh my Kether…first, I’m so sorry for all your losses. The people and the pregnancies…oh how raw you must have been and still are.
But truly you have given words to so many of my feelings, yes our loved ones are at peace, no longer in pain but sometimes the hole inside and the lack-of-them just overwhelms the heart.
love to you…hugs too~
I can’t stop crying, but somehow I like to cry, I feel like it kinda washes my soul.
I guess that sounds strange, but somehow I feel so much better after a good boo hoo session! I wish Roger could cry more I think it would be good for him.
I love reading your blog you do have an amazing gift. What a great legacy!
Love you sweet girl.
Auntie Gail…I used to never cry. I was like Gramma, only cried in private. I always admired the way you allowed your feelings to show through tears. It’s graceful I think. I cry more these days but still fight boohooing in front of people. I’m so weird. Wish I were more like you.
love you.
I honestly don’t know if we’d be this way without the loss.
YES! This is exactly WHY we suffer loss….in my opinion. It makes us who we are today! We are a very demonstrative family too, thank God! On another note, I never had a close relationship with my Mom, as she was an alcoholic. But, I took care of her for the last 5 years of her life and my only regret is that we didn’t have more time. And that I didn’t do more. BUT, I have learned that we do the best we can AT THE TIME. If we knew better we would do better. I hope to “live my legacy” so my kids will know better than I did. Thank you so much for your heartwrenching honesty, Robin. It fills my heart! And, 65 is WAAAAY to young to die. XOXO, Pinky
Pinky, I just knew your family would be demonstrative with affection! You just exude love. And how right you are…we do what we can at the time…there’s some peace knowing that isn’t there?
love to you my friend.
That is the only thing that gives me peace…or some semblance of it. I still (after 19 years) feel guilty that I didn’t do enough or didn’t do what I did well enough, or with enough love………………..I thnk I need therapy!
Your words are so touching. I can tell the Lord uses you.
I lost my sweet mom when i was 7 mo preg with my first child. I miss her everday. To say you get over it is a lie but with each passing year the hole gets smaller. There are some things I just can’t do – mother’s day (mine died 2 days before) is one of them and my family just works with me on that. 🙂 I will say that about 10 years after she died (it has been 14 now) my husband and I looked at each other and were able to say, “good has come from her death.” That is huge. I have things (that are things!) that I would not have if she were alive. And that is good. She loved the Lord and is with him now. I don’t think I could go on otherwise.
Along the way I read a book called From Mourning to Morning by Harry and Cheryl Salem. It is awesome. It really showed me where to go with my grief. I have 3 copies that I pass along! Written by an evangelist couple who lost their 5 yo to cancer and it just goes over their griving journey. It’s a good book.
Beth
Beth…I can’t imagine losing your mom while you were pregnant. How terribly tragic. I’m not a fan of Mother’s Day either. I see Mother’s Day cards and think: I don’t have a mother here any more. It’s only been 4 years, but I still can’t believe it.
The book sounds like one I need to check out. Thank you for the suggestion…hugs to you friend.
It was awful! I skip going to church on MDay. Too many people say what end up being hurtful things. Unintentionally, of course, but it hurts. We just make a fun filled day with lots of distractions. It is always fun when the actual anniversary falls on MDay!!
Like I said, It gets easier, but it never goes away.
I have picked up several copies of the book on ebay for a couple of bucks. Let me know how you like it.
Beth
Somehow you always help me put things in perspective. Thank you for always being honest & real!
.-= Hopeful Housewife´s last blog ..A little piece of inspiration heaven =-.
J: thanks for stopping by and weighing in. Hugs …
Robin,
I don’t even really know what to say except that I am constantly amazed by your ability to write so much from the heart. That is such a gift. I am wondering if you are not partially being guided by those you have lost . As you already know, both of my parents were gone by the time I was 29, now 27 and 20 years ago, all grandparents, and all but 2 aunts and 1 uncle out of 10, not to mention the large numbers of friends who have passed from various things — I went to 18 funerals in one year…. Reading your beautiful writing took me, as it does you, right back to those places, but in a little better way. Like you, I can go back there within a second, and replay every moment in the hospitals and at the funerals. As you said, the last thing I wanted to hear from anyone was “Christianese” (such a perfect term). Instead, I just wanted quiet, and to know that the right people were there. It just makes a huge difference to have the communication without speaking, and that only occurs with the right people. Please keep writing — I think you have many things to offer that other benefit from…..
Doug, I’m so glad we reconnected after all these years. You’ve been through so much loss and I’m so deeply sorry. When we talk you have such an understanding of a hurting and a healing heart. You tend to draw out the pain in me and it makes me wonder if you do that out of your own pain. love to you my friend.
Hey Robin….. Wow!!! You express with so much wisdom… the path laid out before us (all) sooner or later…. Life does not really prepare us for the pain.
Beautifuly written. Your writing is what drew me in to your blog. It’s obvious that it is straight from your heart. Honest and real. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
It’s so hard as we grow older to learn that life changes on a dime. But the thing I’ve learned as I’ve walked through grief with people is that it doesn’t matter if the journey to death is long with cancer, as it has been for many in my life, or people are taken quickly, like my best friend who lost her dad to a car accident. Whether there is a chance to say good byes or not, loss is loss… and it carries that sting regardless. I so often wish I had words to comfort, but there so rarely are ones that help. I just try to speak the name often of the loved one who is gone so my friends know they are not forgotten. I hate feeling inadequate to help, but the truth is we often are. So much of condolences are said to fill a space with words… but I think sometimes loving with a silent presence says more. At least it does to me so often when I need that kind of support.
One thing my Grandma Flo always did was pray every night that she would have a peaceful death. Somehow that made a difference to me… that she didn’t fear it as much as she wanted to lovingly experience it. I hope I can be the same.
.-= gitz´s last blog ..Oh, Good Gracious! =-.
I’ve been reading your blog for the past few months , and you really touch my heart with your thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I connect with you because I feel the same way you do about a LOT of issues. I too have felt the sting of death, and these past two blogs on death really helped me feel that I am not alone. I am still grieving my dad , he died a little over a year ago , and my heart is still so broken. Yes, he is with Jesus now, and I believe that with all my heart, but I still miss him so much. And my mom is failing each day with ALzheimer’s . The pain of the two losses sometimes leaves me aching and immobilized. My faith keeps me going, and my wonderful husband and kids too. Anyway, you touch my heart, and I am thankful that you share . I could go on and on, but I will sign off now. Thanks again !
Joanne, I’m so deeply sorry about the loss of your dad. A year is barely time to begin the grieving process for someone so close to you. And to be watching your precious mom decline all the while must be devastating. I will pray for you going forward that the God of all comfort would somehow meet you right where you are, and show you in a way that only He can that He’s walking this journey with you…
Thank you for reading and I so hope you comment and let me know how things are going with you and your mom.
If you have a Facebook acct. please friend me, that way I can know how to pray for you.
hugs and prayers Sweet One
I too know all too well the sting of death. I lost my mother at the tender age of 56 to cancer. We were and are grateful that from the time of diagnosis to her death was only 28 days and that she did not have to suffer long but….. for me her oldest son, the pain is as fresh today 15 years later as it was on that April 25, a rainy cloudy day. As you said the walk from the hospital, down the long halls, I was filled with gut wrentching grief, and was unconsolable for days , weeks. My mother was truely my best friend, my best cheer leader, she understood my silly jokes, we shared the same sense of humor, the same silly approach to life. We buried my mother on my youngest sons 8th birthday, a funeral in the morning and a robust, loud, birthday party in the afternoon. I did not want my son to affiliate any of his birthday celebrations witht the death of his grandmother. Yes the pain is lessoned as time has passed by, but the sting of death is at times still as fresh as it was on that Spring day so long age, so to my mother my friend, I say so long for now because we will meet again on the other side, I love you mom
Curtis…how wonderful your mom sounds. What a devastating loss, when we lose our moms. And 56 is so young. I’m so sorry for your loss Curtis and I hope one day when I’m gone my son will remember me like you remember your mom.