This is part 2 …if you want, check out yesterday’s post for part 1…HERE
Just 5 years after David left, Mom would join him. She was only 65. She went into Saint Joes for a routine procedure and never left. We would keep a 4 day vigil there. She slipped away from us just before the last days of 2005 dissolved into a memory. Mom’s leaving, was the final blow…the things I thought I knew for sure about death were once and for all shattered.
The night she left us, the same doubts Mom had when we lost David haunted me… Where was she? Was there really a heaven? I can’t picture where she is.I need to know where she is…
It took months of hanging onto a weak thread of faith for me to settle in my heart that my mom was indeed where she always wanted to be…with Jesus. And with my brother David. I’d like to tell you it made all the difference in my view on death, but it didn’t. While comforted to a degree, four years later, I can be taken back to that hospital waiting room without a moments notice. The horror, the uncertainty and the vulnerability of her quick decline paralyze me all over again. I still ache to tell her things. I still hurt so deeply on some days that it shuts me down completely. Life without my mom in it … will never be the same. But that’s okay.
My view on death and dying will also never be the same. I’ve revisited those verses in 1 Corinthians 15 many times since then. These days, I see a little more than the confidence of “death’s sting”being gone. Now I see in verse 54: “When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable…then the saying that is written will come true: Death has been swallowed up in victory.”
I believe the victory over death isn’t all about the here and now, it’s about the other side of this life. Eternity.
Coming to grips with this has been life changing on so many levels…
~Now, I can quietly hold someones hand instead of allowing “Christianese” to roll off my tongue in the face of loss. I have stopped trying to help someone move through the pain . These days, I just allow my own heart to feel some of that pain and cry along with them.
~Since my mom left this world, I’ve become more focused on living my legacy. I realized that whether we acknowledge it or not, the way we live today matters. It’s the way we’ll be remembered tomorrow.
~Also, people often marvel at our family being so demonstrative with affection for one another. We hug. We say I love you. A lot. We’re not stingy with affirmation. And when someone royally messes up…we support them. But we’ve experienced a bit of loss and without verbalizing it, we all seem less likely to take each other for granted. I honestly don’t know if we’d be this way without the loss.
And this is where I find myself on just another thing I thought I knew for sure…
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Yesterday the comments were straight from the heart. So much encouragement from those who have experienced so much loss. Thank you for sharing with me.
Love to each one who came back today for a not-so-cheerful subject…xoxo