Getting older brings with it a mix of surprises. Some are downright horrid. But the good news…others are sheer delight.
One of the most delightful things I’ve noticed in the past 8 years is that, I’m gradually learning I don’t have to be like somebody else.
All those wonderful things that I see in other women but I don’t see in myself have slowly begun to fade into the white noise of my mind. I’ve even started seeing some of my “failures” as something a little different.
One of the biggest “failures” is my personality in regard to friendships and social situations. This failure in friendships has hung heavily over my head since my earliest memories.
It’s very “IN” for women to have a group of close friends these days. We’re told to plan “girls nights” and “girls weekends”. There are entire sections in bookstores devoted to womens relationships, how to have them, how to keep them, why you need them. Please hear me, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that … if that’s the way you’re wired. The problem comes in when those of us who aren’t made that way feel like we HAVE to change and fit into someones expectations.
This year with my “word” or theme being friendship (I wrote about that HERE) I think God is showing me the most surprising thing… stop apologizing (in this area) for who I am.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve confessed my inability to be a “good friend” or told people how horrible I am at friendships. I have walked through life feeling “less-than” in this area. But I’m coming to understand that although there’s always room to grow, I’m not made to be social. I’m not made to be a typical “girlfriend”.
But I’m a friend in my own way. I reach out in my own way. I love in my own way. And I’m learning to appreciate who God made when He made me. And to get better at being the friend I’m made to be…
Although I want always to have an attitude of growing, I’m also growing into an attitude of acceptance.
My strengths, which are different than so many women, are still strengths. And I’m learning to work with what I’ve been given.
When the year started out, I fully expected a beating. Now the year is young, so there’s still time, but what I’ve gotten so far has surprised me beyond words…
I have heard from women every single week since January, telling me they are just like me in the area of friendships and being social. I’m so relieved to feel that I’m not weird, (at least not in this particular thing) there are lots of women like me! Many of these women have shared their feelings about why don’t consider this a failure, but a strength…fascinating.
Everyone is unique. I love the uber social woman who is energized by working a room and by doing things with her girlfriends, my oldest daughter is much like that. But I’m also learning to love the not-so-social woman who is energized by quieter times and even finds renewal and joy in days all by herself.
How about you…what kind of a friend are you?
Love to each of you as we live our legacy one day at a time…
Thank you for this post! I often feel like a failure in this area as well. I’m not a social person, either, and it is hard to make lasting friendships. The casual social thing always feels forced. To be honest, I’m content and at peace when I’m at home with my family, and (for the most part;) don’t get sick of spending time with them! Thanks for putting this in a new light. It’s important to stretch out of our comfort zone for the better…but it’s also important to love the woman God made me to be. Hugs!
Marie…”always feels forced” , I can so relate. After particularly big social gatherings I have to decompress for a week. Many times, it’s totally worth it, nevertheless, I have to have the down-time afterwards.
xoxo
with you all the way.
J~I know you are sista…
Robin: Here is what I love to read/hear: “But I’m a friend in my own way. I reach out in my own way. I love in my own way. And I’m learning to appreciate who God made when He made me. And to get better at being the friend I’m made to be…” Amen! I am so glad to read this! Every one of us need to take this to heart. God never made us to be carbon copies of someone else. I am me. You are you. My closest male friend has been my friend for almost as long as I have been married (will be 37 in June) and Doug and I are different in so many ways. But our friendship has survived because we have learned to appreciate what each of us brings to the table. Those who do count you as friend should feel blessed. Love and hugs to you today.
.-= Bill (cycleguy)´s last blog ..Two Miracles =-.
Bill ,
You’ve helped me with this issue. In particular, our fun back and forth on your blog in the comment section a week or so ago…You said your wife was much the same way and then I met Zee!
Thank you for being my bud…love to you ….
It’s always more difficult to perceive a pattern of which we ourselves
are a part. We need the advantage of a little distance to grasp the meaning,
to help us understand, to help us see. Thank you turning on the light ~
That’s my girl!
Daddy…”the advantage of a little distance” YES! That’s exactly it. Maybe that’s what I’ve gotten this year. I totalllly understand you by the way 🙂
xoxo
Your posts always inspire me, but this one did more than that. This one made me feel like I’m not the only one dealing with these social issues. I have been beating myself up all my life because of this and never in a million years would have considered it a strength. When I read your post today I felt a burden lessening, a load lightening and with a little luck acceptance will follow. I can’t thank you enough for discussing this topic today.
.-= Kim´s last blog .. =-.
Kim…I want to give you a big hug 🙂 I have felt my load lightening over the past 3 months and I promise you, acceptance will follow. I’m going to explore the strengths behind our personalities so when you get a thought along those lines…email me! I’d so love to hear 🙂
xoxox
Wow! I thought there must be something wrong with me. The older I get the more I enjoy my own company!
What a great post!
Thank you!
Mary…Isn’t is odd that we all thought something was wrong with US!?!?
Cheers to being okay with solitude.
xoxo
Boy does this post hit home Robin!!……and I was just thinking of this VERY thing just yesterday.
I think this is why so many of us bloggers “connect” with each other – because we are GREAT friends in our hearts, but not so much “socially”.
I don’t have a group of girlfriends, heck I don’t even have one “good girlfriend” that I hang with, call all the time or can always count on. But I do have some AMAZING and INCREDIBLE online friends…..
I was just sad yesterday thinking how close I’ve become with some of my online friends, but yet don’t have any close friends at home that I can hang out with……I was just thinking “is there something wrong with me?” I have friends, but they’re just friends I see a few times a year, or chat with occasionally- but again, I’m not a very social person. I’m perfectly happy being home with my family. But there are times I wish I had a girl friend IRL to share with, cry with and “hang with”……..
Thanks for this post Robin? ?
.-= TidyMom´s last blog ..Zicam Review & Giveaway! =-.
Cheryl! Girl I would have never thought you were at all like me in this! I promise you though, nothing is wrong with you. If you want a girlfriend though, I bet there’s one close by for you. You are such a delight!
xoxo my friend
I have always felt like I’m in a slightly weird category. I need people– love being with them, love having company, etc. I’m not in a good mental place if I feel isolated for too long. But people also exhaust me. Fortunately, it turns out I’m not the only one– in fact a couple of my close friends are also like that (gee, I wonder why we get along so well…). So we’re all for spending time together, and do (in smaller doses, in calm settings), but we’re just not party-going, big-to-do people and never will be. And… so what? It’s fun and fulfilling for us and that’s good enough. If you’re happy, why should anyone else think you’re doing it wrong? 🙂
Hugs and encouragement all around on a rainy Wednesday (or at least here it is). You’re all fabulous.
Beth…how fortunate you are to have friends that feel like you do. And I love your attitude…”so what?” 🙂
love it!!!
xoxo
I feel the encouragement my friend.
For what you don’t feel you have in face to face friendships you more than make up for with your online presence. Just go with it. I was over 40 years old before I found out who I was because I was too busy trying to be who everyone else thought I should be. Co-dependent as some would say with the world. Who says you aren’t a good friend? Since I have gotten online I feel you are an awesome friend and one of my bestest friends! Seems real enough for me. The care and honesty you show with others is what builds friendships. He made you just right. But your struggles with this is what helps us all. Thanks for your thoughts today.
Tom…thank you for the encouraging words my sweet friend. I was in my 40s too when I got so weary with trying to be like…whoever. It’s really tiring isn’t it???
I’m so blessed to call you my friend.
love to you and yours…
I feel like a combination myself, I do not like stepping out of my comfort zone but I’m a social person. I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with me too because I do not make the effort to grow these social connections into actual ‘girlfriends’ and it was a weight on me!
Glad to hear I’m not alone (love the other commenter’s thoughts too) so here is a pat on the back for all of us for realizing we are who we are made to be, and not alone in it <3
.-= Kelli´s last blog ..What to do with a Turkey =-.
Kelli…yes! I think it’s in realizing “we are who we are made to be” that we’ll find the ability to pour out love and support to others.
xoxo
(It sounds like you are much like my husband, social but not needing to grow the social connections…and I think he’s great 🙂
Hi, Robin.
I can be social when I have to be, but I don’t particularly enjoy it. I’ve noticed that while I’m comfortable being alone, there are others who aren’t happy with me being that way. They try to push me to be more social, and when I resist it leads to conflict. Have you experienced that too? I have one friend in particular who knows everyone in the world and is always trying to “help” me by matching me up with new friends. All that does is make me pull away.
Blessings to you, my friend. I love your blog!
Jean
.-= Jean Fischer´s last blog ..He Lives! =-.
Jean…yes yes yes…It would be like me pushing my social daughter to be a loner…it would be cruel. I’d never consider doing that.
And you make a HUGE point that it makes you pull away. That’s just human nature and I react the very same way.
I love it that I’ve gotten to know you Jean…
(thank you for being you 🙂
xoxo
Hi Robin,
So glad to see that there are others out there who feel the same way!
This post made me cry and it is exactly as I see myself but have a hard time putting into words. So glad to see that there are others out there who feel the same way! I am hearing impaired but do have hearing aids, but in big crowds or loud rooms you can’t carry on conversations (especially if you can’t make out everything being said). So sometimes people think you are stuck up or just not with it, so I have learned to like my own company for a long time now. Don’t get me wrong I am friendly to everyone I meet but if I can’t hear them it is hard to keep the conversation going. I do much better at talking on the phone or typing on the computer. I have considered myself a loner and it does not bother me. I do get out alot as I have children in sports but love just having the fam together mostly!!! So I am so happy to see that I am not the only one who doesn’t feel the need to be running around with every friend you meet. We all have different kinds of friends anyways, some you see or might talk to more than others. Lets face it alot of people are busy living their lives just like us. I thank God that I have my family and we are all healthy and that is a great day for me!!! Thanks for sharing this topic and good luck to you and your solitary freedom!!!!!
Signed a solitary friend!!!
My new Solitary Friend…
It’s such a relief when I read others comments and realize I’m not alone. I so appreciate hearing your heart on this.
I’m not hearing impaired but in social situations I swear my brain get scrambled and I may or may not just say the wrong thing, often times I just remain quiet. I think I may come across as moody or snooty but really I’m simply trying to maintain. (there’s probably medicine for this as I’m told it’s social phobia. So, in a small way, I do understand how you feel…
Thank you tons for sharing…so looking forward to getting to know you…
xoxo
oh robin
you know where i’m at with all this…
i am right where you are.
just this weekend after easter dinner john and i talked about how i just love being alone…and i’m done feeling guilty about it. just as people seek others to be with to make them happy…i seek solitude. it’s a wonderful place to be. 🙂
this was so well said… really lovely again. i’m so happy you are where you are with it all.
you are, a most awesome friend.. to me…
love, kim
.-= Kim Klassen´s last blog ..peanut butter marshmallow brownie recipe =-.
Kim my Sweet Friend…I love what you said: “just as people seek others to be with to make them happy…I seek solitude.” Oh my goodness…that’s powerful and makes me feel quite normal 🙂
I love you to pieces…
xoxo
ps…I see you’ve blogged the recipe I’ve been waiting for!!! Hallelujah!!!
dearest robin ~
thank you for just being you …
this discovery is the most freeing thing in the world …
embracing you for you is a gift we are all given ~ we just need to be open to this gift and know when to untie the ribbons!
and you, my dear, are truly a good friend …
thank you so much for slipping by to keep kim company while i am away …
hugs and love,
prairiegirl
xo
.-= prairiegirl´s last blog ..flowers for friday ~ the dirt =-.
My Sweet Friend PG…
This is so well said: “this discovery is the most freeing thing in the world…” sigh.
I thought I’d never get here and sister, you’re right. It’s freeing.
I’m ever so thrilled I met you! You are so special to me
Missing you while you’re gone 🙂
xoxo
dearest robin ~
thank you for just being you …
this discovery is the most freeing thing in the world …
embracing you for you is a gift we are all given ~ we just need to be open to this gift and know when to untie the ribbons!
and you, my dear, are truly a good friend …
thank you so much for slipping by to keep kim company at 2bbb while i am away …
hugs and love,
prairiegirl
xo
.-= prairiegirl´s last blog ..flowers for friday ~ the dirt =-.
Rob I am finding as I release others to be who God made them to be, it gives me the freedom to be who I was always meant to be. You have always been a beautiful person but I see as you embrace who you are, your beauty has blossomed deep within your soul and is poured out. I cherish who God has made you.
Ruthie,
I’ve never thought of it that way, that “releasing others gives you freedom”…very profound.
I cherish who you are too my friend.
xoxo
love to you
I never tire of reading your blog! Maybe because I can relate so much to what you said today. I think I used to be the “social butterfly” and still can be at the drop of a hat, but I really desire being home by myself the most. I have friends at church but just don’t see them outside of church much. That’s okay with me. Now, that said, it would be nice to have someone to go to the flea market, antique shop, etc. occasionally if my husband couldn’t. 😉 You did say in your first response that after large social gatherings you needed to decompress. Oh my word, I know exactly what you are talking about! My husband’s family is large so after every get together with them I have to decompress. I am still decompressing from Easter and a birthday party from this past weekend. =P
Gina, I wonder if there are seasons in which we are more social than others? Hummm, you’ve given me something to ponder 🙂
You have a good husband that will hang with you at the flea markets! Mine goes with me too!
I have had several people tell me they are “recovering” from a big Easter weekend, you aren’t the only one sister!!! 🙂
xoxo
(Happy Decompressing!)
Robin,
I can relate to you, I think. When I had my spring break several weeks ago, I had the choice to go home and see most of my friends from high school (who all had break about the same week or would be home on either or both of the two weekends I had off), or stay at school and recharge in solitude. I chose to stay at school. I had spent so much time with people since returning from Christmas break that I think my friendships would have suffered had I gone home, and I wanted to be refreshed and relaxed when classes resumed. I’m a huge introvert and for several years have wanted to be more social, but I’m slowly coming to terms, I think, with the fact that I am just not the most social creature on earth, and that is just the way it’s going to be!
Annie
.-= Annie´s last blog ..Purging and Praying =-.
Annie…you sound wise beyond your years…
love to you xoxo
Not weird at all! I feel a sense of comfort in this post. The comfort to just allow me to be… allow each person to be who they are. : )
.-= Christina´s last blog ..lessons in todays lesson =-.
Christina, so glad you feel comfort. I love the idea of “just be”…
xoxo
Hi Robin,
Just started following your blog and I just love your decorating idea because we have similar style. Also, I too have struggled over the years because I don’t have a big number of friends. I’ve always have seen myself as friendly and social but don’t do well with the “small talk.” I desire relationships that are honest and authentic and not everyone wants that and lets be honest , it takes energy and trust to develope those friendships. I do have a great friend and am allowing myself to STOP comparing myself with others who have lots of friends. I have beat myself up with “shoulds” and negative self-talk long enough. When I have an alone day, I’m not really alone but always with my Lord and spending days praying for others as I go about my day at home enjoying all that God has given and His presence in my life.
Thank you for your vulnerability, it is refreshing and a blessing.
Deb
I agree. We are all just not made the same. I am a semisocial person who has to balance socializing with alone time. I can totally entertain myself. I think it’s only child syndrome in my case! My daughter, too, is a social butterfly, inherited from her father. I am finding, however, that as I get older, I am becoming more social. Maybe this is due to becoming more comfortble with myself also. Hmmm…
Oh Robin – Thanks for putting into words the way I have felt all my life. Here I am 60 years old and still feel that something is wrong with me because of my views on friendship. I know maybe it is insecurity but that is okay. I am happy the way I am and that is what counts. My husbands and both children are the complete opposite – social butterflies – probably my feelings stem from shyness. I have battled the shyness issue all my life. I find comfort in my needlework, sewing and crafty endeavors. Love your blog and the inspiration you provide to me!! Thanks so much.
I don’t think I truly started to feel okay with the way I am until I hit my 40’s. I think the freedom not to conform and appreciate my “quiet” time as rejuvenating to my soul, really hit during this decade. My husband is very social however, and I do make an effort to go out and socialize with him and try to understand his need as well. So insightful and engaging, hugs sweetie!
.-= Vicky´s last blog ..For you Dad… =-.
Although I am a real people person and truly enjoy time with all my girlfriends, I still enjoy time by myself, as well. I don’t have to have people around me all the time to be happy. I am just as happy at home by myself. Thanks for sharing your feelings with us all. Love & blessings from NC!
I really needed to read this post today, thanks! It is hard for me to define what type of person I am. I am outgoing and like to be around people, but I also like alone time. My life is all about my children and husband. I love them dearly, and look forward to nap-time, because downtime is necessary for me to be a good wife and mother. I often feel lonely though, and wonder what is wrong with me. How can I be outgoing but not really get close to people?? Do I run them away? I have great sisters that are my closest friends, and I am so grateful for them! Besides my husband and children, I love being around them the most. We can laugh about anything! But besides family, I don’t have “close” friends. It is like I have a barrier between me and other women, even though I am friendly. I do often feel bad about myself for this. Many times I feel unsure of myself. Anyway, I am so glad that you posted this, thank you for your honesty!
Hi Robin,
First of all, let me say I love your blog. You are such an inspiration to me…thank you so much! Also, I feel exactly as you do, have all my life. I am comfortable with myself but I feel the “pressure” to be more social and to have lots of friends. My husband is very social and does not always understand the way I feel. My hats off to you for writing about this. You and everyones comments are so comforting!! God Bless!!
You have really touched a nerve with this! I GUESS I am fortunate that I am one of those “others” who has a ton of friends and has for over 30 years. I love to be with my friends but then again, I also TREASURE my time alone. Today I have been a little crabby, and I think it might be because I have wanted to BE ALONE. Thanks for giving me some insight on all this. And I think God make you PERFECT!!!!!! I treasure our “friendship” even if it is just here on cyberspace! XO, Pinky
Some friends are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I have had some very painful experiences with female friendship and always wonder where women get all these friends for girls night out. As a single woman with barely any single friends, it is tough.
.-= Carmie of the Single Nester´s last blog ..Porn Star Hair (or Not) =-.
I’ve always felt that my husband should be my best friend and if I took the time to be with “the girls”, it would take away from my marriage. I’ve worked outside of the home for most of our married life and I enjoy coming home and just spending time with my family. Now that my daughters are grown we occasionally go places together. I went on a mini-vacation to NYC with one of my daughters. We had a great time. We have some “couple” friends from our church that we get together with from time to time. I guess these women would be considered my best friends.