If you’ve read me for very long, you know I believe that all of us are living, every day, the legacy we will one day leave. In writing a little series on Living My Legacy I’ve take a detour…Aging Gracefully. I’m very nearly forty-eight years old and there is so much I wish I’d known about aging! I’m compelled to age gracefully as part of living my legacy, so I wanted to talk about it a little bit! I’ve been doing that here...
Today I want to talk about something that at my age I have no room for…Toxic People. Sit with me for a moment Peeps…
Toxic people. I’ve been one. Have you?
What’s a toxic person? My knee-jerk answer is:
* someone who’s very presence drains the life out of you.
*Someone who’s overly negative, you find yourself agreeing and becoming negative right along with them.
*Overly self deprecating, you spend every other breath disagreeing with their belittling verbiage and trying to build them up.
*The takers. You find yourself used up after only a few hours with this person.
*The drama queen/king. You are keyed up after every single encounter. There’s always something to be in freak-out mode about with this person.
*The victim. You are always feeling so sorry for this person for their lot in life. So sad. They are just one breath away from giving up. But they never do, they just keep harping.
There are more but I recognize these because I’ve been each and every one of these toxic personalities to someone in my life at one time or the other.
I’ve also had these types of people in my life. When I recognize a person in my life as toxic always my first question, (okay maybe my second question) is this…what do I do that is exactly like something they do that annoys me?
I can always find at least a smidge of something we have in common. Then I know where I can improve. Having a toxic person in my life is kinda exciting to me! God always shows me something new and amazing that I can tweak in my own life! With that in mind I’ve had some big excitement lately, some major opportunities to tweak my own bad self!
However, just because God uses these relationships doesn’t mean I have to stay in them. I think it’s okay and even necessary to put up boundaries with toxic people. How to go about doing this is something I’ve wrestled with over the years. While putting distance between me and a toxic person seems logical it also feels a little judgmental. In the past I’ve opted to err on the side of not judging and simply continued in toxic relationships. Lately however, I believe God has shown me the best little thing…my toxic person may not be toxic to everyone. There are circumstances, like a work situation or a social situation that may cause toxic relationships between two people when outside of that circumstance the person is perfectly delightful to everyone else!
Why does that help me? Because I no longer have to judge a person. I just determine that for me this relationship is toxic and I make the changes needed to secure peace in my life. Oh this is freeing I tell you!
Have you ever been toxic to another person? Do you have a relationship that may need some distance? Have you put distance between yourself and a toxic person in a way that was constructive? Do share!
I’m linking today to Works for Me Wednesday over at We are That Family…since Aging Gracefully works for me! (Lot’s of tips on a variety of topics over there…check it out!)
Good article. We are all products of our upbringing and our environment. More than once, I have been told I am kinda toxic! I believe most people who are like this realize this and try doing something about it.
Oooooh, good post. Yes, I’ve been one of these people. Looking back, it seems when I focus only on ME-ME-ME, that’s when the yucky transformation happens.
Setting boundaries. This has been a hard one for me. It’s felt so right to be kind to everybody. Be sweet. Do whatever it takes to get along. The flipside for me is that in certain relationship (with toxic people) I shrank and became almost invisible while others grew to be giants. These giants would become more important than God to me. Not good even though it seemed like the right thing to do. I let helping, pleasing, fixing these people wipe me out. Al-Anon has helped me big time on this one. 🙂
Great discussion topic, Rob.
Your words are resonating today. I’ve been struggling to distance myself from some toxicity for a while now, but keep getting drawn back in because I feel “who am i to judge” and “shouldn’t i just show them the love of God.” But, I’ve come to realize that I am not God’s only means of showing them love….pretty arrogant of me, huh? There are others who may enjoy the drama and tension and freakout sessions more than me 🙂
You are a good soul.
C
Celesta’s last blog post..Metanoia – to turn and go in a new direction
What if your husband becomes the toxic person? He wasn’t always this way but has been for a few years now. It’s a challenge.
Prayers for you in your marriage. Without knowing anything about your situation I would so urge you to find a good counselor who could work through the details of your relationship with your husband. Surrounding yourself with a few “safe” and healthy people that can help you sort through this might also be a good idea. I’m praying that God clearly directs you in your next step and that He protects you like only He can…Hugs.
Good point, Celesta!!
I was a big ole TOXOID but was immunized, and now I’m the most delightful
detoxed character you will ever meet!! LETS DANCE!
Wow Robin. God has certainly given you lots of wisdom and we appreciate you sharing it with all of us. I too have been letting God break those old, yucky habits~fixing, control, guilt, judging. It is hard to walk out but so worth it when I can put my time and energy into my first mission field, my sweet husband and amazing daughters. I have spent far too much time being all up in other people’s business. I pray that we all continue to let God work in us so we truly are a reflection of Him.
I think it’s really easy to become a toxic person yourself if you are surrounded by them.
I had a “friend” who just took and took and took. The only time she ever contacted me was when she needed something and when she was done needing my help, she’d disappear for awhile and then the cycle would just continue. I found myself becoming really resentful and was spending WAY WAY too much energy on being upset and grumpy about the situation. I didn’t like the ugly way I was reacting to people who -weren’t- bad friends based on my bad experiences with this other person. It was a relief to me, and probably many others around me, when I told her I’d had enough.
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As a 21-year-old college graduate I got my first real job at a crop insurance company. The day before my first day, I went in to meet everyone. I was met with open hostility, and comments like “oh are you the newest victim?” I went home feeling nauseous and discouraged. I endured 4 years of “toxicity,” and with one woman in particular I had a really rocky road.
But as long as I viewed myself as the victim I couldn’t see my own role in this whole debacle. I felt I would rise above and overcome and be praised for my efforts at some point. The more toxic it was, the more I clung to it. Looking back I too see that quitting didn’t mean they won and I lost, it would have just put an end to the misery so much sooner. I finally got accepted to grad school and closed that chapter. I still feel sick thinking about it…
Great subject Robin! Blessings to you!
Thanks for letting me share 🙂
Vicky’s last blog post..Fish tale.
Good stuff. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to judge, but not wanting to stay in a toxic situation. What I finally came to is that it’s not my job to fix the relationship… to fix them. Heck, I could be part of the problem and not know it, which would be more about fixing me than them.
My job is to live a good life by example and to not participate in the drama. Once I let people be who they wanted to be, but just didn’t add to it or bring it into my life, then one of two things happened: 1. They stopped bringing the drama in because they didn’t get satisfaction from my response, or 2. They just stopped coming around altogether. I’ve learned to accept either, and my life is MUCH calmer!!!
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I’ve never thought about relationships that way. What a freeing way to live, I am going to use this. Thanks.
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Robin, I have been gong to Al-Anon for almost 4 years and this is exactly what Al-Anon says. Detach with love. Why would anyone want to be in charge of a train wreck???? Freeing your self from a toxic person, and setting boundaries are SO important to our sanity! WONDERFUL post!!!! Pinky
That was some good insight! I to have learned that once you find out someone else’s quirk, it’s easier to just work around it and not judge them for it. I figure we all have something we carry around, and we can choose how often we see our friends and when we can handle the quirks!
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Your post really hit me deeply Robin. I come from a toxic (in many ways) upbringing and I find that I am carrying some of those toxic qualities that I swore I would never have. It breaks my heart…not for me, but for my sweet husband and children. I have been working for two and a half years in counseling to detox and it’s simply not so easy as just deciding not to be toxic. The “goo” comes out when I’m under pressure or being influenced by the toxics in my world that I can’t detach from (immediate family). I want to be the peaceful, full of kindness, full of love person and I can’t say that consistently I have been. I don’t like that. I believe that all I can do right now is just keep working on it and pray that there will be a day that I can find the direction to be the healthy person I want to be.
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Aubien…Prayers for you in your journey, I’m so humbled that you shared your heart and so in awe that you’re intentional in working so hard for peace. You can count on prayers from me friend. Hugs~
Excellent topic… Toxic People, I do believe you hit the nail on the head with your comment that, Because that person may be toxic to you doesn’t mean they are toxic to others…. I’m living that drama right now. I believe like you everthing you say and do leaves an imprint on your legacy. Unfortunately my toxic person is my mom. Always growing up she was my biggest “Cheerleader” and now as she encounters the frustrations of aging and the limitations it brings she has chosen the path of least resistance, (negativity) and I do believe it is a choice! It’s difficult witnessing ones mom come down from her pedistal (which I put her on), to repeating negative and often times very hurtful things about you to those she comes in contact with…even your own children. None of which are ever true by the way… So Yes! I found this topic to be very timely and for a moment there I think I felt the soft nudging of a loving God say….It’ll be okay sweetheart, your moms unhappy….for now…I Will Be Your Biggest Cheerleader, xoxo~Kathy
Prayers for you and your mom Kathy…I’m so glad you remember her being your biggest cheerleader. Hang on to that. Hugs~