It is with fear and trembling that I say this. As I’ve asked God over the past weeks what would be my theme for 2010, what I think I heard was as far outside my comfort zone as being a polar bear in the Sahara.
But first may I issue an explanation about me “hearing from God”? For some I know this sounds crazy. For me, “hearing from God” is simply a natural consequence of my seeing Him as my Father. I talk to Him all the time, many times, just like I talk to you. Sometimes it’s in the car or while I’m working on a project. Other times it’s on my knees. My point is that it’s a way of life for me. And when I say I “hear Him”, what I mean is there’s a persistent thought, a scripture, something someone says, a teaching from a pastor, a verse in a song that pierces my heart…Often times many of those things happen in a short time frame and they have a common thread and I say: “Father, is that you?”
I don’t hear an audible voice and what I DO hear may be all wrong, but He is God and I believe if He knows I’m trying to hear Him and what I’m hearing isn’t contrary to His word He is able to correct my thinking if He needs to. So that’s what I mean when I say “I think God said…”.
Now, to 2010. Oh my holy cow, the word that has danced around in my brain for at least two months, scares me silly. I rejected it at least 3 times, rooting around for something more comfortable. Please prepare to roll your eyes…I think God is saying : “Friendship”.
Depending on the day, I’m either terrified, mocked or filled with guilt by that word. I am the WORLDS WORST FRIEND. Just ask my friends! I hate being honest about this, I feel a little like I’m showing you my upper thighs. Embarrassed. It’s not pretty.
I have an unusually high level of personal space. Anything amiss in my life and I fold up into a tiny ball and hunker down. I’m seriously in danger of being agoraphobic if I’m not very careful. No kidding. I don’t crave interaction with people as a matter of fact, I run from it. The Husband is my best friend, poor man. And my kids. If I’m not careful, I would spend every single spare moment with each one of them and never see another soul. I overheard my daughter Stephanie telling someone once: “Unless you’re married to her or she gave birth to you, just forget it.” (Granted that was during the first year after my mom passed away, and my world was so very, very small but even on a good day that’s my tendency. )
My heart is racing just from typing this stuff. I hate being honest about it. Hate it.
I have some real-life friends. Friends who have given much more than they’ve received. And over the past nearly 2 years, I’ve connected with some amazing people online through this blog or through their own blogs. I feel such connection and kinship with so many that it’s been like a miracle for socially stunted me. I’m so thankful and I so love my blog-friends.
I wanted to joke my way through this post. You know that’s my way of talking about something uncomfortable. And I tried to. But I also wanted to be brutally honest.
Once a close friend of the family said this to me: “I don’t even like people, I’ve no idea why I’m a deacon in this church.” I marveled at his statement because I’ve never known someone to love so unconditionally and generously as he does. I guess he doesn’t see himself that way. But that’s the way I see him.
I pray that deep down I have a little of what he has and maybe I just don’t see it. I am with fear and trembling looking somewhat forward to what The Father is going to show me in 2010 about friendship…how’s that for non-committal optimism?
Love to you today as we live our legacy~one day at a time…
(Oh, and have a delightful and SAFE New Year’s Eve, The Husband and I and the pups will be snuggled in nibbling on Chinese food. That’s just the way we like it.)
**Picture from Beth Bishop Shops**
Robin: Being a friend is hard sometimes. I am one who wants to be a friend and will go out of his way to keep it…if it is worth keeping. Making long trips to see friends while they stay at home. I have one male friend who has been my friend since 1974. We still get together as often as we can for pizza. I have one cycling friend that lives about an hour away and another who lives in Georgia. But the rest, because of my job, have to almost remain acquaintances. It is tough keeping that distance but I have to. My wife is my best friend although she is somewhat non-talkative at times. Dangerous prayers are said for you everyday and I will add this dimension of “Friendship” to my remembrance of you. May you, Mike and the family be blessed beyond your wildest dreams this new year.
.-= Bill (cycleguy)´s last blog ..Keep Moving =-.
How I love this post. I love the rawness of it–the “Here I am. It’s not easy, but I’m showing you.”
Sitting here thinking about our friendship of 35 years, I’m tearing up.
You love the down-and-out. You have a lion’s heart for the underdog. You always have. You don’t judge–ever. You don’t like party chatter. You’d rather find the one hurting person among the strong beautiful ones and build him or her up. You will definately never need to join a co-dependancy group. 🙂 When you love/give, it’s with your whole heart. You don’t fake it. You take care of yourself (which I think is incredibly healthy). You know your limits. You know when you need to be still and quiet. Your heart is with God and your family. I think that’s the way it’s supposed to be. As He whispers, you go.
A cup of coffee with you is, well, it’s better than a fine dinner with the Queen because you make anybody around you feel special.
I love you just the way you are.
Bill, I knew you were the “good friend” type! It’s you wonderful outgoing people that I love to watch from the sidelines!!! Thank you again for praying for me, I pray the dangerous prayer for you too…looking forward to seeing what God’s gonna do in you and your in 2010!
Julie…I’m under the weather as you know, so maybe I’m feeling a bit vulnerable…but I’m just crying my heart out. You could not have given me a better gift. I love you so.
Julie thats the sweetest thing I’ve ever read. You really do know my mom better than most. But the co-dependancy thing…i beg to differ. 🙂 Perhaps it’s different with the fruit of her looms, but I think mom and I BOTH need to join a co-dependancy group 🙂 haha
Love you!
Em
.-= Emmabear´s last blog ..A little Christmas Preview =-.
I can soooo relate and have said the words that I am a terrible friend. Even my wife who is my best friend has said on multiple occassions that I would be perfectly happy living alone. An in honesty, I blame it on supreme selfishness and laziness. The self centeredness (word?) is also what has, at times. caused the divide between with me and God. Thank you, thank you for your description of your hearing from God. I too found this confidence after years of listening for Bill Cosby’s God of such clarity. I will share your description with my daughter as we were discussing this very thing about her boyfriend last night. Perfect timing….God’s timing….and I am thankful you are my online friend which I am perfectly comfortable with…Thanks for sharing your gift and your heart.
Happy New Year!
Robin,
I can completely relate also with the friendship thing. I am totally out of my comfort zone making new friends. It is very difficult for me. I’m not an outgoing person at all and tend to stay to myself. I do have 2 of the most wonderful friends that are friends from middle/high school, whom I love and treasure completely.
As far as God speaking to you… You hit the nail on the head. It is that still small voice which is spoken in all the different ways you described.
I so enjoy reading your blogs. You do have a Gift from God.
Thanks for sharing you heart and your home completely.
Have a Blessed New Year!!!
You contribute so much through your blogs and being and having friends is a trying adventure some times. I hope the Lord Blesses you this coming year with the knowledge that you have so much to offer to others and you are much more of a friend than you think. Hugs, Marty
.-= Marty´s last blog ..Tablescape Thurs. – New Year’s Brunch =-.
You are a huge blog friend even though you don’t know it. Sometimes I read your posts and think, she’s going through the same stuff I am facing… her thoughts are just the same as mine… she is saying words I could say… she’s feeling like me… I think she would understand me… she’s trusting and leaning on the same God as I am.
Yup, and you don’t even know me 🙂
You’ve just torn me apart into tiny little pieces with this most vulnerable and authentic piece of you! Oh my cow, and then Julie’s response to you? Tears, tears, tears!
I’m so reaching for words today as I am rendered a bit speechless, but perhaps its because you’ve written all the words I could so easily write myself! Thank you for daring Robin!! I so feel your words! Powerful! Love you Robin!
.-= Vicky´s last blog ..Christmas surprise =-.
Wish we could all be together. Starbucks. Being real. Maybe, in a way, we are! At Home In Robin’s Blog. 🙂
What a beautiful way to share…open, honest and vulnerable! I love how you describe hearing God speak to you, he does to me also and I often can’t find words to explain it…you just have! Being a friend means different things to many people, from the response to your Blog I would say you are a friend to many! God is showing you this and also telling you more people need your friendship….you have much to give! I look forward to getting to know you better in 2010.
A new friend,
Linda
.-= Linda @ A La Carte´s last blog ..MY HEART IS FULL OF LOVE =-.
Oh, Robin, I love this post……it resonates so deeply with me. I could not have written it as well as you did, but I can sure relate! Thanks for sharing deeply, and honestly. I can so understand what you are saying!
Thanks, my friend, and Happy new year!
Suzanne
.-= suzanne´s last blog ..Favorite post of 2009….? =-.
Really, your thighs are not that bad….I think this is more common than you think. I have many online friends, and friends that I help out when they’re in a bind and I love to counsel with them when they are hurting, but as far as a best friend, mine also would be my husband…and my mother. And I too would rather spend time with my family than any others. Don’t know that it is necessarily a bad thing, just in this crazy world, I like peace. I’m a seeker of it, actually- and make most of my decisions with PEACE guiding me. I’m a KEEPER of the peace. But a peaceMAKER, is one willing to bring peace where no peace exists, and I think maybe that is what is not as comfortable to me. Jesus said, Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons of God.” It does require stepping out of our comfort zones- being on the front lines at times, but the reward…sweet peace, is so worth it!
I pray for you as you enter 2010 with “friendships” on your heart, that God will nudge you out of your comfortable place, and allow you to see the reward for boldly going where no man has gone before!
.-= sherri´s last blog ..Taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s a cha-cha. =-.
Dear Robin….we’ve only just “met” but I could have easily written those same words. Friendships are difficult for me, especially women friendships and to have authentic friendship there is intimate, transparency and sharing – very difficult to do unless there is total trust. And love…love is a choice not a feeling. Love means loving the unlovable, wishing and praying for only the best in another because he/she is God’s child (hmmmm….maybe I’m hearing my “theme” as well:-).
Thank you Robin, for having the courage to share. May God Bless you and your family abundantly this new year!
Julia…total trust. Yep, that’s it. And ultimately it’s trusting God isn’t it? Hugs…
as i read your blog, robin, i could see how much fear and trembling was going on inside you as you spoke. but i was encouraged to see that you hadn’t run away from the truth God has begun whispering to you. this demonstrates how much you love and trust your Father. good place to abide.
making time for other people outside your family is hard; they’re busy, you’re busy–or not all that inclined by personality to make the effort. as one who is extroverted with many introverted friends, i can tell you how hard it has been at times to be the one initiating most every interaction. so i get how hard this is going to be for you.
but God. be sure that whatever He’s wooing you towards is going to be full of unknown treasures. and you AND your friends are going to benefit from this journey. and since you’re so transparent and such a good sharer, we’ll all get to learn together. He puts the lonely in families, and He has created one through you at this site. be bold and walk confidently into this year of friendship. and let us know the joys it brings along the way…
.-= jenn´s last blog ..Just for Grandma =-.
Jenn, that is the most encouraging comment. I was so nervous about saying what I’ve said here and God has used this to encourage me in so many ways…thank you~
Seriously? Oh my goodness…I could have written this post! Honestly. Maybe not the part about that being the word God is speaking to you for 2010 {He has been filling my mind with an entirely different phrase} But He does push around the notion of friendship from time to time. One of these years, He will be pushing me towards that, too and I will be a wreck! But, yes, I completely hear you: the bff husband, being totally contented with my kids and my own self, and I OFTEN wonder if someday I might become agoraphobic!
So nice to know I’m not alone. I do, however, know that God does not ask the impossible of us. Okay, perhaps He always does…but He wouldn’t ask if he didn’t inted to help! Happy New Year!
Maegan thank you! I do believe that God intends to help me out this year on this journey…also, I’ve been amazed at how many people are introverted (for lack of a better word!)
I love what you wrote and could relate to it completely….I do hear from God sometimes it is as if someone has spoken to me out loud, other times it is just a sure knowlege of what he is trying to tell me.
I too am having thoughts of feeling lonely and wanting more friends…..I used to be in the middle of everything and loved being with my friends. I now find it is such an effort and I do not know why…..perhaps because so many good friends have moved away…..perhaps because I was so involved in my grown children and their lives and becoming a grandmother, I don’t know. My husband and I went on a cruise the day after thanksgiving. I said “I am not going to talk to anyone I am just going to rest and read. the first night I asked for a private table (no effort there) and they had just given the last one away. They seated us with 3 other couples and we had such a great time we decided to meet up every evening for dinner and the shows. What a blessing we enjoyed them so much and when we all left we had tears in our eyes because we liked each other so much. I want more of that in my life……I need to put forth the work and put my self out there…..I guess making it a matter of prayer would help….thank you for the post….I benefitted from it. Also thank you for the video about the saviour over the holidays I watched it with my grandhildren and several times alone… Judy Allred
Judy…I love it that on your vacation you met other couples and enjoyed new friendships. Very encouraging 🙂 Hugs…
Oh, how I can relate to this! When you said you don’t crave interaction with people, I was thinking, “That’s me.” I’m perfectly content to stay home all the time. Good thing there is church on Wednesday and Sunday. And an empty pantry. 😉 That said, I know as a Christian I need to be with people though. So, I try to make an effort. If you met me you would never know I am like this because I am very social and once I am with people I enjoy it. Anyway…just wanted you to know you’re not alone. The word God is speaking to me this year is steadfast. Thanks for sharing and I love your blog!
Thank you soooooo much for sharing your heart . . . no, for sharing your GUTS. You echo so much of what bounces around in my own brain! (And “Gina” wrote my words to you before I could get them onto the screen myself — man, there’re are more of us out here than I thought!) Thanks not only for sharing the 2010 theme — and how it’s rolling around in your tummy right now — but for sharing the idea of even having a theme. I think I like this very much. At least until Papa-God gives me my own theme . . . then I might be feeling like I did right after finally praying that darn Jabez prayer when it was so popular — ” . . . expand my territories . . . “?
What the heck was I thinking!
Not my will, but His. Good preachin’ and hard livin’. But He never said it would be easy, just that He’d walk it with us. Thanks for the encouragement on the journey, sistah.
Grins, Pamm
.-= St. Michael’s Wife´s last blog ..Fireplace or Entertainment Center? =-.
Thank you for your openness and honesty, Robin. I too want to be a good friend and feel that I am a horrid one. Our Bible study group talks often about our desire to reach out and minister to others and how frequently we fail to follow through. I pray that you, and I, will allow God to minister through us in the coming year. How awesome that we are allowed to be considered God’s friends!
I totally know how you feel. Your post could have been my own. I struggle with friends and boundaries all the time. I love being there for someone I care about, but when I find I have troubles I completely shut down and keep people out. I always thought I was doing the “right” thing and not bothering my friends when I had problems or needs. Not long ago, a true friend looked at me and said, ” Friends are FOR the tough times, acquintances are for the easy ones and when you don’t let your friends in when you need them you are hurting them more than you know. You aren’t giving me the chance to love you back.”
That hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s still hard for me to change, but I’m working at it and that is one of my goals in this new year. I truly want to let my friends love me back and share all the times with them. God bless you, Robin, and know you have lots of friends standing here with you.
Robin, I’ve been popping in and reading and praying for you since Ellie’s birth…and want to thank you for sharing so much of yourself in this post. I completely understand the ease with which one can flee from society and be happiest with the husband as her best bud. Here’s to friendship, to accountability, and to growth in 2010. You can do it!
oh my robin, it’s as if you are describing me! wow…. i’m speechless…. truly….
your blog is abolutely lovely! so glad you commented on my flickr… i look forward to following your journey of “friendship” and all the other goodies you have here as well….
xxo, kim
.-= Kim Klassen´s last blog .. =-.
Oh, Robin, I identify so well with what you wrote here. I am one of those who think agoraphobia would look good on me–not b/c I fear being with people but because I don’t like leaving my world. I LIKE my world and don’t understand other people’s ways. I also retreat from everything outside my own little bubble if there is any sort of upset to my apple cart! I’m a very social person, but I have such a hard time investing myself in other people. It’s wrong of me to feel that way b/c God doesn’t want us to be away from His other children, but it’s the way it is for me most of the time. So, you are not alone even when you are. ;O)
BTW, I just found your blog yesterday and I love it. I’m sure I’ll be visiting often.
Aimee, thank you for your comment. I look so forward to getting to know you better! xoxo
You are the perfect friend for me. You have loved me, fought for me, gone to the mat with me. We have been safe enough to share our fears, dreams, hurts and struggles. As a late bloomer, being honest and vulnerable has not been easy, fear of rejections shut me up for years. You have been that safe person I have been able to “try” honesty out on and not one time have you rejected me or has it been a bad experience.
I am honored to call you my best friend.