It is with fear and trembling that I say this. As I’ve asked God over the past weeks what would be my theme for 2010, what I think I heard was as far outside my comfort zone as being a polar bear in the Sahara.
But first may I issue an explanation about me “hearing from God”? For some I know this sounds crazy. For me, “hearing from God” is simply a natural consequence of my seeing Him as my Father. I talk to Him all the time, many times, just like I talk to you. Sometimes it’s in the car or while I’m working on a project. Other times it’s on my knees. My point is that it’s a way of life for me. And when I say I “hear Him”, what I mean is there’s a persistent thought, a scripture, something someone says, a teaching from a pastor, a verse in a song that pierces my heart…Often times many of those things happen in a short time frame and they have a common thread and I say: “Father, is that you?”
I don’t hear an audible voice and what I DO hear may be all wrong, but He is God and I believe if He knows I’m trying to hear Him and what I’m hearing isn’t contrary to His word He is able to correct my thinking if He needs to. So that’s what I mean when I say “I think God said…”.
Now, to 2010. Oh my holy cow, the word that has danced around in my brain for at least two months, scares me silly. I rejected it at least 3 times, rooting around for something more comfortable. Please prepare to roll your eyes…I think God is saying : “Friendship”.
Depending on the day, I’m either terrified, mocked or filled with guilt by that word. I am the WORLDS WORST FRIEND. Just ask my friends! I hate being honest about this, I feel a little like I’m showing you my upper thighs. Embarrassed. It’s not pretty.
I have an unusually high level of personal space. Anything amiss in my life and I fold up into a tiny ball and hunker down. I’m seriously in danger of being agoraphobic if I’m not very careful. No kidding. I don’t crave interaction with people as a matter of fact, I run from it. The Husband is my best friend, poor man. And my kids. If I’m not careful, I would spend every single spare moment with each one of them and never see another soul. I overheard my daughter Stephanie telling someone once: “Unless you’re married to her or she gave birth to you, just forget it.” (Granted that was during the first year after my mom passed away, and my world was so very, very small but even on a good day that’s my tendency. )
My heart is racing just from typing this stuff. I hate being honest about it. Hate it.
I have some real-life friends. Friends who have given much more than they’ve received. And over the past nearly 2 years, I’ve connected with some amazing people online through this blog or through their own blogs. I feel such connection and kinship with so many that it’s been like a miracle for socially stunted me. I’m so thankful and I so love my blog-friends.
I wanted to joke my way through this post. You know that’s my way of talking about something uncomfortable. And I tried to. But I also wanted to be brutally honest.
Once a close friend of the family said this to me: “I don’t even like people, I’ve no idea why I’m a deacon in this church.” I marveled at his statement because I’ve never known someone to love so unconditionally and generously as he does. I guess he doesn’t see himself that way. But that’s the way I see him.
I pray that deep down I have a little of what he has and maybe I just don’t see it. I am with fear and trembling looking somewhat forward to what The Father is going to show me in 2010 about friendship…how’s that for non-committal optimism?
Love to you today as we live our legacy~one day at a time…
(Oh, and have a delightful and SAFE New Year’s Eve, The Husband and I and the pups will be snuggled in nibbling on Chinese food. That’s just the way we like it.)
**Picture from Beth Bishop Shops**